A Story from a Parallel Universe
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: Somehow, the Umineko characters  all ten million of them  get shoehorned into a high school AU. They have to try and function as perfectly normal human beings- but that's a little difficult for a 1,000 year old sadistic witch. :BeatoBattler, crackfic XD:
1. Setting the Stage

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter One  
>'Setting The Stage'<p>

* * *

><p>"Big brother, you really need to be more reliable!" sixteen year old Ushiromiya Ange chastised her useless brother. "We're going to be late for school!"<p>

"I'm sorry, Ange!" Battler said, hurrying to keep pace with his sister. Battler's hair was wet; a testament to the bucket of icy cold water Ange had unceremoniously thrown over his head when all other attempts to rouse him from his corpse-like slumber had failed. "I-it's really not my fault, though! I tried to get to sleep last night but-"

"I bet you _**didn't**_!" Ange snapped, rounding on her brother with narrowed. "I bet you were looking at those _filthy books _again last night!"

"F-filthy books? I-I don't know what you mean, ihihi…"

"Don't play dumb, big brother! I've _seen _them!"

Battler's face turned as red as his hair. "W-well… A-aha, did I tell you I was suddenly interested in photography, and I find the forms of lighting used in those particular pictures to be-"

"Then why did you hide them under the bed?"

"B-because… photography… i-is my secret passion and I- hey, wait…" Battler's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why were you looking through my personal things?"

It was Ange's turn to be embarrassed this time. "No reason!"

"Ange?"

"I mean, it's not like I **love** you and steal various items of your clothing you've warn to sleep with whilst talking to them like they're really you and you love me too, of course not, ha, ha, ha, the idea of it! U-urgh, you're such a _pervert_, big brother, I hate you! Next time I'm not waking you up, and you can sleep in late and get in trouble, okay! I don't know _why _you are like this sometimes! Idiot!"

And with that, Ange stormed off purposefully, leaving Battler very sodden, very tired and_ very_ confused.

* * *

><p>Battler knew what was waiting for him before he even opened the door of his homeroom. It was how she- n-no, how that evil <em>witch<em>- greeted him every single school day, and he didn't see why it would change now he had moved up a year. There was always the possibility she had been moved into a different class this time, but Battler knew that was only wishful thinking.

She would _always _be there; sitting at her desk, giggling, being the most annoying and yet simultaneously confusingly attractive person Battler had ever met, with her blonde hair and bad personality and those huge cow tits.

You couldn't forget the tits.

Sighing, well prepared to meet his cruel end at the hands of a taunting madwoman, Battler pushed open the door of his homeroom-

_**Clang!**_

-and was met with a horrible, crushing impact to his skull, as a bucket filled with water fell onto his head.

Geez, that was just getting _old_.

"BEAATORRICHHHEEEEE!" Battler shouted, pulling the bucket from his head and throwing it on the floor. "I'll get you for this, you biiitchhhhh!"

"Kyahahahahahaha! Nice to see you too, Ushiromiya BAHHTTLERRRR!" Beatrice greeted oh-so-cordially. "Now Lambdadelta is also in our class this year we can have LOTS and LOTS of **fun** together right?"

"I was the one who rigged the bucket. Traps are my speciality," said Lambdadelta, smiling cheekily. "And I have to say, it went _swimmingly_! Kikikiki!"

Beatrice high fived the strange, pink, manic pixie-girl, both of them giving Battler _excellent _nightmare fuel expressions that ensured he wouldn't be sleeping for a week.

"Hey, Battlerrrr, you're looking a little blueee~" said Lambdadelta. "Did somebody rain on your parade? Kyahahaha!"

"I wouldn't want you to catch a cold, Battler!~ Why don't you just take those wet clothes off right now, hmmm?~~ Kyahahahahahaha!"

"Tch." Battler rolled his eyes- trying to play it cooool, even though he was beginning to shiver (did that make him very 'cool', then?). "Since it's your fault I'm like this, Beato, why don't you get over here and keep my body temperature warm by rubbing your body all over mine, huh?"

"So~rrryyyyyy, I don't really go for useless, INCOMPETANT men with STUPID hair! Gyahahahahaha!"

"You bitch!" Left eye twitching, Battler stabbed a finger at Beatrice in unbridled rage. "I'll get you yet, you see if I don't! This is **war**!"

* * *

><p>"Well, hey there~ If it isn't my <em>favourite <em>little lady, hihihi~"

"Drop dead Amakusa."

"Ahh, don't be like that!~ What about your manners, hmm?"

"Oh, I'm _terribly _sorry." Ange rolled her eyes, hands on her hips. "Drop dead Amakusa, **please**."

"Ahh, you're so cold, hihi!~ What's got you alllll riled up?" asked Amakusa, giving Ange a disarming smirk (his pearly white teeth sparkled) as he leant over her desk. "Care to share?"

"No."

"Ohhh…" Amakusa smiled knowingly. Leaning forwards, he whispered quietly- almost inaudibly- into Ange's ear, breath ghosting against her skin. "Is it… about your big brother spending all his time with that sexy blonde girl and not you, hmmm?"

Ange's left eye twitched. Her fingers balled up into fists.

"You know, little lady, if you just grew a bigger pair of tits I'm sure-"

"**FUCK OFFFFFFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF**!"

And with an explosive scream loud enough to be heard on Saturn, Ange shot up out of her chair, climbed over her desk and smashed her forehead against Amakusa's. Once the silver-haired pretty boy was doubled over in pain (though he wasn't in so much pain he couldn't say, 'oh, did I hit a nerveeee, little lady?') Ange gave him a swift, merciless kick between the legs, thus rendering Amakusa a limp pile of human jelly.

Then she threw him into the nearby storage cupboard for good measure.

And locked the door.

"Well." Ange planted her hands on her hips, glaring at her assorted class mates. They were all staring at her, wide eyed. "What are you doing? You didn't see **anything**, okay?"

They all nodded meekly. Chiester 45 (honestly, the _names_ of some of the people at her school, Ange didn't even) looked like she was going to cry.

"And my boobs _aren't _small," Ange added, muttering darkly to herself. "They're an D cup…"

But that was enough to compete with Beatrice?

Maybe she should drink two bottles of milk after her nightly shower instead of one.

That would show that stupid witch.

…Somehow.

* * *

><p>"Good morning, class."<p>

"Hello, teacher," thirty- no, twenty nine, rather- listless voices echoed.

"I hope you all enjoyed your summer," said Miss Virgilia, smiling pleasantly. "I myself had a rather fun time at the beach~"

At the word 'beach', all the boys in the class (minus one) raised their heads to look at their super hot teacher with greater interest. What sort of swimming costume would a beautiful, mature, sexy adult like her wear? A bikini? Was a bikini not refined enough? Ahhhh- nobody knew, but they all loved the mental images!~

Virgilia, meanwhile, was blissfully aware half the people in her class were imagining her in a bikini. But at least she'd managed to make her class pay attention.

"Ahh, but the beach isn't relevant," said Virgilia, smiling in that sweet, sleepy way of hers. "Let me take the register~ Ahh, let's see. Amakusa Juuza?"

There was no response.

"Amakusa?"

Still no response. Chiester 45 shifted round nervously in her seat to look at Ange, but the coldly serious expression in the girl's eyes made her flinch.

"Oh dear, I hope Amakusa isn't sick," said Virgilia emphatically. "And on the very first day of term, too!"

But Virgilia was wrong.

Amakusa was not ill.

He had been stuffed inside the storage cabinet- and he had suffocated to death. At least he had died how he had lived, though; wedged between three beautiful girls- other victims of Ange's insane anger management issues (though those girls had bullied her quite badly at some point, so they might have deserved being locked in a cupboard and squished into human pretzels).

That would be a rather nasty surprise for Virgilia when she finally got around to cleaning out her classroom.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe our first lesson of the term is <em>math<em>," Battler groaned, running a hand through his disordered hair. "How can I concentrate on _numbers_ now? I'm still all wet!"

"Awww, how touching~ Were you thinking about meee?"

"O-of course not! I would never think about your cow tits- certainly not at night, for five hours, meaning I didn't get any sleep at all last night and Ange had to throw a bucket of water over me to wake me up, HA HA HA!" said Battler, his voice peaking at some bizarre kind of hysteria.

Beatrice only sniggered. Unlike Battler, she was a studious girl, and she already had her cute Hello Kitty™ notebook and matching pen out, ready to do some _serious _number grinding.

"Let's have a contest, Ushiromiya Batttlerrrrrr! Whoever answers the most questions correct in this class gets to use the other person as a **slave** for the rest of the day! How does that sound?"

"N-no way! I'm no good at math- you'll wipe the floor with me!"

"AHAHAHAHA! Scared, are you? Whatever happened your masculine pride, hmmm? GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

Battler winced, sticking his fingers in his ears to drown out Beatrice's insane laughter.

"-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

Battler substituted the fingers for erasers. Maybe that would work?

"-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Alright! Fucking **fine**!" Battler finally roared, stabbing a finger at Beatrice. "I'll do your stupid contest, alright? Just stop CACKLING at me like that!"

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

><p>"Literature is a beautiful subject!" Hachijo Ikuko, the (gasp!) literature teacher enthused, clapping her hands together at her chest. Her eyes looked strangely sparkly. "The things people can do with words is just outstanding!~ The fear, the pain, the love, the <em>mystery<em>- aaaaah, it makes my heart go all _doki doki_!~ Doesn't it do that with you?"

Dlanor A. Knox (a strange, quiet girl with lavender curls) raised her hand in the air.

"My doctor says my heart cannot go _doki doki_, teacher, or I will DIE. That is why I need to be stoic and emotionless at all TIMES."

Cornelia, a clumsy young girl with cute yellow ribbons in her hair, swooned. A few drops of blood fell from her nose and onto her new text book. D-d-dlanor-san was so **cool**!

Unfortunately, Cornelia was the epitome of _un_cool. She did not have a dark, troubled back story wherein she had killed her father with a fruit knife because he'd written a mystery novel that didn't adhere to Knox's Decalogue. Neither did she have glasses, a _kawaii _face or the ability to conjure swords out of thin air. All she had was being clumsy, and that was soooo last anime season.

Nowadays, it was all about superheroes and secret organizations and friggin' huge mecha. Moe girls weren't as fashionable anymore.

That was why, when Cornelia fainted from blood loss and hit her head on the floor, nobody cared.

It would've been a different matter if she was a robot, but she wasn't, so there.

"Well then," Hachijo said, as though Cornelia did not exist, "I sympathize with you, Miss Knox, but can you at least _pretend _your heart is going _doki doki_?"

"…I can TRY."

"Good~ Now, to pontificate even more upon the wonders of literature- yes, Chiester 410?"

The rabbit eared, red-eyed schoolgirl who wore her skirt cup in the middle for no reason save blatant fan service (because this story didn't have enough of that already) smirked, revealing a small cute fang worn by all 'edgy' characters, and further cementing the fact she would add nothing to the 'plot' of this saga other than 'nihihi's and the occasional panty shot.

"Miss Hachijo, is it true that you published a novel once, ihihi?"

Hachijo's smile did not waver, although it _did_ become significantly more disturbing, in a subtle 'I'm going to kill you to see how you react, heeheee' kind of way.

"Yes, that is true. What of it, Miss 410?"

"Well, nyeheh, if you've published a book then why are you still a teacher?"

"Because I spent my whole life studying literature, a subject I _adored_, which then- in my adult years- proved to be completely useless because you just don't get paid for reading books. I become an alcoholic suffering from severe depression with a huge pile of debts that kept mounting up and my mother said she had always hated me. My favourite genre was always the mystery genre, so I tried to inject some joy into my cheerless life by writing an eight part epic I had planned ever since I was twelve entitled _When The Mongooses Cry_, but it was a complete failure and I plunged even deeper into the recesses of misery, vice and despair- until I finally decided, why not become a teacher? That way I can fill the empty heads of stupid children with baseless dreams, only to watch in amusement with a bucket of popcorn as they realize they've fucked up their lives and it _never stops hurting_."

Hachijo giggled sweetly.

The whole class looked at Hachijo in alarm.

"Oh, and I also have a split personality called Featherine Augustus Aurora. She likes to murder small animals."

The silence was only broken by the sound of a pen against paper, as Dlanor studiously wrote everything down for future reference.

* * *

><p>"So, Batttlerrrrrr~" said Beatrice, smirking from ear to ear. "How did you do in that math test, hmm?"<p>

"Urgh..." Battler winced.

Ah well. If the situation was dire (which it was) he could always take a leaf from his 'dear old father's' book and try to bullshit his way out of it, right?

Well, that plan had backfired _stupendously_ for Rudolf. The moment Kyrie discovered Battler wasn't really Asumu's son but her own (it was a complicated story) she had disposed of her calm, collected persona and had cut open Rudolf's stomach to stuff it with candy.

Rudolf got better, though.

Sort of.

He still had that minor problem where he vomited up golden syrup on random occasions, but most people thought that was cool.

"U-um, the test was fine!" Battler said smoothly. "It was fine! A piece of cake!"

Beatrice raised a brow. "Then tell me what you gottttt!"

"You tell me your first!"

Beatrice giggled, making a peace sign with her fingers. "A perfect one hundred."

Battler jumped out of his seat as though he'd been hit with a cattle prod. "LIAR!"

"Oh, I'm a liaarrrr, am I? The teacher graded it in red! It's written down on my paper IN RED! IN _**RED**_, Battlerrrrrrrrrr! Do you **dare** dispute the red truth? Do you **DARE?** AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!~"

Battler made a mental note to buy some earplugs ASAP.

"Now you're my SLAVE, Ushiromiya Battler- my _slaaaaaave_! I can do whatever deprived, horrible thing I want with you and you can't protest because you're only FURNITURE! KyahahahahaAaAaAaA!~ First I think I'll strip you naked and put you on a chain. THEN I'LL FEED YOU TO THE GOATS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Some earplugs, _and_ a psychiatrist.

* * *

><p>Will romance blossom between Beatrice and Battler?<br>Will 'When the Mongooses Cry' ever become a real series?  
>Will Battler really need a psychiatrist?<br>Is Ange really only a D Cup?  
>What on earth is going on anyway?<p>

Find out next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Aha XD;; I wanted to do something 'special' for the 100th chapter of dysfunctional, but it got so incredibly long and friggin /weird/ I decide to put it as its own story instead XD; The writing style is also really dissimilar to what I usually do, so I figured it would just stand out in my other oneshot collection.  
>It actually wasn't planned to be so bizarre, honest XD It was just a light-hearted look at the Umineko cast thrown into a high school setting, but then… well… I just don't think a lot of the characters are really suited to be anywhere near impressionable young children at <em>all <em>XD Maybe it's best Beatrice, Featherine and the like just _stay _being meta, far, far away from real people XD

Oh yeah, & this story owes a lot to Rokkenjima Hotel by Densetsu-no-Maguro. It's absolutely hilarious, and I was trying to recreate some of that weird off-the-wall humor here XD; You should go read that, if you haven't already. /shameless plugging XP

This fic is all finished, so expect the next part up like tomorrow or something. It'll probably be like... 6 parts long. You just can't wait, I know XD

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	2. Willard H Wright's Badass Breathing

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Two  
>'Willard H. Wright's Badass Breathing... &amp; some other stuff that isn't quite as badass'<p>

* * *

><p>Willard H. Wright sighed.<p>

Now, when most ordinary people sigh it is not particularly interesting, nor exciting. They merely inhale, open their mouths, and then exhale.

The process involves taking air into the body. It begins with the contraction of the diaphragm, which results in an expansion of space inside the lungs. This increases negative presses inside the lung owing to Boyle's Law. Negative pressures allows a greater volume of air to enter the lung because of pressure differences between the atmosphere and alveolus. Air can enter the lung through either the nose or mouth, going into the pharynx and trachea before entering the alveoli.

The process of exhalation is process of removing air from the body. The intercostal muscles lower the rib cage and decrease thoracic volume, making the thoracic diaphragm relax. This relaxation of the diaphragm puts pressure on the lungs and makes them contract to expel air.

(Incidentally, the process of an author writing two long and involved paragraphs on human biology involves a quick trip to Wikipedia, with much liberal copy and pasting, slight alterations thrown here and there so they don't feel like too much of a cheating bastard who should have paid more attention in biology instead of staring at the ceiling wishing they were somewhere else.)

Therefore, as you can see, the process of sighing- inhale, exhale- is very dull and boring, and not at all interesting. Scientific explanations have a bizarre way of making the most commonplace actions we perform with ease in real life sound as complex as time travel or flying to the moon, so it might give you a vague sense of accomplishment to know you can contract your diaphragm and raise your ribcage, but this sense of achievement doesn't make the process any more exciting.

Everyone else can do it.

Get over it.

However, when _Willard H. Wright _(the 'H' standing for 'hell yeah') contracted and dilated _his _diaphragm (which now sounds like a euphemism), it wasn't boring or ordinary at all.

In short, to summarize the above few paragraphs, Will was _sexy _when he sighed.

Will could even make the art of biting fingernails or checking for lint in his belly button look sexy and attractive.

Some people were born lucky.

The seven maids in Café de Purgatoria sighed, swooned and sighed at Will, all waiting on standby to serve him some more coffee (taken black, like his **soul**) or pastries(taken black, like his- well, no, taken black because the maids were too busy drooling to cook properly) should he desire.

But Will did not want coffee or pastries.

He wanted **information.**

But he wasn't the only one.

"Hello, Willard," Ushiromiya Lion greeted cordially, taking a seat beside Will.

If looks could kill, poor little Lion (ironic, given his namesake) would have been dead seven times over.

Will nodded his head in recognition before turning back to his various legal papers scattered across the table.

Lion frowned. Unused to being ignored- and rather intolerant of rude behaviour- Lion reached under the table pinched Will's thigh.

"What was that for?" Will asked, jumping slightly.

"For not returning my greeting. For refusing to make eye contact. For not offering to buy me a coffee. For being rude. For being rather too attractive. Take your pick."

Will's brows furrowed slightly. "What was that last one again?"

"Nothing, nothing~" said Lion lightly. "But enough banter. Have you made any progress on the case yet?"

"No. I'm afraid I have drawn a blank," Will admitted, running his hands through his hair distractedly. "I can't imagine how all those golden ingots could have been stolen from your grandfather's study without the culprit waking anybody, especially given ingots are difficult to carry. It must have taken at least twenty round trips from the study to the hiding place to remove such a large quantity of gold- and I **refuse** on principal, being a fan of the mystery genre, to merely write it off as 'magic'."

"What shall we do then?"

"Don't worry," said Will, a rather debonair smile flickering across his usually impassive face. "I am not without my contacts- and I know a certain young woman who can crack this mystery wide open."

"Who?"

"Her name is…" Will's voice dropped to a whisper and he motion Lion to lean across the table.

"_Dlanor A. Knox._"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in a small classroom not too far away from the Café de Purgatoria, Dlanor A. Knox sneezed.<p>

* * *

><p>"I've missed you, dear Bernkastel!~ I can't believe we were placed in a different class this year- it's SO tragic! Oh, I can't wait to smother you in honey and lick it all clean, ev~ery lasttttt bit, fufufufu!~"<p>

"…What on earth are they doing?" asked Battler, staring in alarm.

"Pay them no heed. Their interactions are unrelated to _our _business," said Furudo Erika, arms folded.

"Ihihi… If they're doing stuff like _that_ to each other right before my eyes, I think, maybe, it kind of _does_ become my business? I-is that even legal?"

"I am afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"Just look behind you, they're-"

"My Master would **NEVER** do anything so uncouth with anybody but _**ME**_! Because of my Master's love for me, that level of reasoning is possible for Furudo Erika!" Erika shouted, stabbing a chopstick between Battler's eyes. "Ahaha~ Now then… Let's get back to business, shall we?"

Battler stared at Erika in horror.

What on earth had he gotten himself in for?

When Battler had heard of an amateur 'detective club; free consulting advice for all your legal needs, finding stolen objects, solving mysteries and sidestepping around the machinations of foul blackmailers!' that had been set up, he had gone there at once. If anybody could help him find a loophole in his agreement to be Beatrice's slave, it was the detective club.

As it turned out, however, the 'Detective Club' was only serving to make his headache worse. He was going to end up like Aunt Natsuhi at this rate.

"_So_," said Erika, smiling sweetly. Her back was to the atrocities Lambdadelta and Bernkastel were committing (ignorance was bliss). "You want me to help you regarding your matter with Beatrice?"

"Yes! If she makes me her slave she said she'd do all kinds of horrible things to me! I need your help!"

"Welllll… I'll see what I can do- but my services aren't free."

"But your slogan said-"

"Clever marketing, my dear Battler!" said Erika ufufufuing evilly. "What I want in return for my services is…"

Battler gulped. "My soul?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I am a reasonable person, Mr. Ushiromiya. Instead, what I want is," Erika's smile grew rather deranged, "for you to SUBMIT to being my wife and carry out my each and every whim! Kyahahahahahaha!"

Battler jumped to his feet in alarm. "No way! Seriously, I'd rather take my chances with Beatrice than with a crazy girl like you!"

"Mm… I see we have a bit of a problem there." Erika pouted. "Well, whatever. I guess I'll have to drop the marriage clause for now."

"For now…?"

"Yes~ You've got your own way! Is there a problem?"

Battler looked at Erika suspiciously for a moment… before, finally, he nodded.

"Fine. Whatever. You can't do anything _that _terrible, right?"

It wasn't like Erika was a witch or anything who could summon scythes from thin air.

Erika laughed darkly.

"_Goooood._"

* * *

><p>"Are you alright, Ange?" asked Mammon. "You've been acting strange all day."<p>

"I'm fine," said Ange stiffly, stabbing at the contents of her bento box with her chopsticks. "What makes you say that?"

"You're murdering your food."

Ange looked down at the mushed up contents of her bento. She sighed, lost in the knowledge her big brother was eating an identical lunch made by her own fair hands- or maybe…

Ange's eyes narrowed.

Maybe he wasn't eating it.

Maybe he was feeding the ohagi Ange had so lovingly made to somebody else- to that _bitch_ Beatrice!

She would have to take precautions to put needles in her brother's food from now on if that was the case. What if Battler got hurt by the needles, though?

Arghh, it was such a dilemma!

"Ange, you're doing it again!" Mammon said, taking hold of Ange's wrist. "Stop _desecrating _your food! If Beelze sees you taking food so lightly she'll **kill you**."

"Of course... I do apologize…"

Ange bowed her head and tried to calm her breathing. In all her irritation, she had quite forgotten Beelzebub had been trapped inside a washing machine for three days when she was younger, thus giving her an almost inhuman appreciation for the importance of food.

Nobody questioned how, exactly, Beelzebub had come to be trapped in a washing machine. It was just accepted as the truth.

"What's wrong Ange?" Mammon asked, tilting her head to one side. "Do you want to tell me?"

"It would be unbecoming of me to burden you with my problems."

"Aww, I don't mind; I live with Leviathan, and she complains about _everything_. Just say whatever's on your mind! It'll make you feel better!"

"Well… Alright."

Ange took a deep breath.

Counted slowly to ten inside her head.

Mastered her anger.

And then-

"THAT FUCKING BITCH BEATRICE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY BELOVED BIG BROTHER FROM ME AND BATTLER LIKES HER MORE BECAUSE SHE HAS BIG BOOBS AND I BET HE'S FEEDING BEATRICE THE LUNCH **I **MADE FOR HIM RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE ME ANYMORE AND I LOVE MY BIG BROTHER I WANT HIM TO BE **MINE** HE WILL BE **MINE** AND IF ANYONE GETS IN MY WAY I'LL FUCKING **KILL THEM**!"

"Ange!" Mammon's eyes widened in shock. "Ange, calm down- and put the hatchet away!"

But Ange had gone into some strange kind of trance. She was stood up, unblinking, bloody hatchet in one hand, Chiester 45's right arm in the other, a constant mantra of "**KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL**" spewing from her mouth (as opposed to, say, her nose, because words usually come from people's mouths, don't you know).

"I think this problem might be a bit too much for the healing power of friendship to handle," said Mammon, wincing as Ange hacked off one of Chiester 45's legs. "Maybe should get a teacher, or… No…"

An idea hit Mammon.

A very good idea, if she did say so herself.

Ange was obviously suffering from a brother complex (and some slightly more disturbing issues, but she didn't really want to open _that_ can of worms). It was a problem related to _love!_

And when it came to _love_, there were no people more knowledgeable than Zepar and Furfur.

* * *

><p>That lunch time found the members of the 'Games Club' (or the 'Torment the New Transfer Student by Surrounding Him with Sadistic Stab-Happy Girls Club', as a more accurate- but slightly longer- title) sat around a table, involved in a serious discussion.<p>

A _very _serious discussion.

"I say she'd favour a more traditional swimming costume."

"No- I think she'd surprise everyone and go for a bikini!"

"She'd look really, really good in a bikini, wouldn't she?~ Ihihihi~"

"Not as good as this old man here though, hahaha!"

"Does Rena look good in a bikini, does she, does she?"

"Damn straight," Keiichi said, giving Rena a thumbs up. "You're perfect, Rena!~ Absolutely **perfect**!"

"Hauuuu! P-perfect? Perfect… Uuuu…!"

"Don't tease her, Keii-chan," said Mion dismissively, thumping Keiichi upside the head with her huge, oversized, Ryukishi07 styled boxing glove fist. If anybody had known Mion well, however, they would have been able to see she wasn't just joking around; instead, she looked… somewhat _upset_. Maybe even jealous.

"Ow, Mion!"

"Uhuhuhuuu~" Satoko cackled. "That'll teach you for messing with Mion. And I still say Teacher would wear a bikini!"

"It would have to be a swimsuit, sir," said Rika, nodding seriously.

"And her hat," Satoko giggled.

"Awwww!~ Teacher in a school swimsuit with her hat! Hauuu! So cute, so cuteee! I want to take her homeeeeeee!" Rena squealed, her eyes lighting up.

"This is a serious matter, everybody!" said Mion, hands on her hips. "Why don't we turn this into a club activity? Whoever gets the wrong answer has to wear **their** swimsuit for the rest of the school day!"

"That sounds good to me, ihihihi~"

"That means you too, Keii-chan! A _school regulation swimsuit~_"

"O-oh! So cute, so cuteeeee!"

Keiichi's face blanched. "Y-you can't be serious, Mion!"

"This old man is always serious! And look- here's Gaap! I bet she can tell us!"

Mion gestured towards the curly haired, inappropriately dressed geography teacher, who had appeared- as if by magic- in the middle of their classroom during lunch.

"Gaap! We have an important question to ask!" said Mion.

"Oh? You're asking me for help? Well, of course!" Gaap snickered, brushing strands of blonde hair behind one ear. "I am, after all, the most beautiful, most intelligent, most fashionable teacher here!~ What do you want to know, children? I have lots of experience, you know, hehe~"

"We want to know what Teacher wore when she was on the beach, sir," said Rika, without a hint of shame in her voice.

Gaap's smile turned into a rather dangerous smirk. Her teeth began to look like rows of serrated knives.

"It was a swimsuit I made myself, of course. She didn't want to wear it, but I insisted. It was a sling bikini, kikiki!~"

Keiichi's eyes widened at this news, his mind being assaulted by a sudden barrage of filthy images, whilst the others merely sighed (or muttered 'I WANT TO TAKE HER HOMEEEE!' in the case of Rena).

"I guess we were all wrong, sirs," said Rika sadly. "But it was a commendable effort!"

"Ahh, I don't care what Teacher was wearing away!" said Satoko, folding her arms.

"That may be the case- but we can't give up now," said Mion, clenching her hands into fists. "We may have lost that game, but I can create another! Gaap, stay here, we need your assistance."

"Ufufufu~~ And why would this be?"

"Because we're going to play a game to see…" Mion stabbed a finger in the air, determination blazing across her face. "Who can guess Teacher's measurements the closest!"

Rena's face turned bright red. Her nose had begun to bleed.

But at least she didn't faint like Keiichi.

It looked like one person was out of the running.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Virgilia was eating her lunch with Ronove in the teacher's office quite happily, unaware of the chaos that was erupting in her own classroom.<p>

At least, until Virgilia's ringtone began to play, blaring through the room.

_NAKANAII DEEEEE TORA__WAREETAAA GENSOUU…~_

"Oh, somebody's calling me! I wonder who it could be," said Virgilia, smiling pleasantly, as she reached for her cell phone. "Now, um… What button do I press? T-they all look the same… Um…" Virgilia's eyes widened a little beyond their usually sleepy stupor. "Modern technology is so confusing…"

"Would like me to answer on your behalf?" asked Ronove, smiling.

"A-ahh, I would be very grateful! Thank you!"

"No need to thank me, pu ku ku~" And with that, Ronove hit the pesky little answer button that always evaded Virgilia's gaze (maybe because her eyes were usually closed), and held it to his ear. "Hello?"

"_Is this Ronove? Oh, hey!"_ the familiar voice of Gaap greeted him cheerfully. _"Is Lia still completely incapable of using her cell?"_

"I'm sure she'll improve within time. She's a very intelligent woman."

"_Yeah, she's __**intelligent**__, but she's got the common sense of an idiot. Remember when she tried to dry off Gertrude's cat in the microwave?"_

"I vaguely remember that, yes…"

"_Well, whatever. Look, this is a really, really important question, and the dignity of Lia's students are riding on it."_

"I'm listening."

"_Do you know how big her boobs are?"_

"…"

"_I thought you might 'cause you're kinda like heterosexual life partners with her, right? I mean, I kinda doubt you're heterosexual, but you're wayyy close, and if anybody knows how big Lia's assets are I bet it would be you! If you don't know, though, that's okay, just get a tape measure out of my drawer, I keep it in-"_

**Click**.

"Ahh, who was that?" asked Virgilia sleepily, who (fortunately) hadn't been listening to the conversation.

Ronove smiled somewhat icily.

"Nobody important."

* * *

><p>Gaap stared down at her phone in irritation. Had Ronove <em>hung up on her?<em>

Urgh.

Some people had no shame.

* * *

><p>Will Battler manage to escape being Beato's slave?<br>Will Willard ever become a male model?  
>Where on earth did Beatrice go, isn't she the main character?<br>How on earth did Gaap manage to become a teacher?  
>Does anybody care?<p>

Find out next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!  
>Maybe…<p>

* * *

><p><strong>an:** whacky hijinks ensued! XD  
>I love Umineko dearly, there are so many characters to play around with… :3<br>I'm kind of surprised at how many people seem to be reading this, actually XDD

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	3. The Search For The Real Beatrice

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Three  
>'The Search For The Real Beatrice!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Gaap… W-why were you discussing things like my b-b-b…"<p>

"Boob size?"

"-_body_with a bunch of students?" Virgilia asked. Her cheeks were bright red, and she was looking at Gaap with misery written across her face (not literally, of course. Virgilia had woken up in the staff room with random stuff scribbled across her skin courtesy of a bored Gaap before, but today wasn't one of them).

"I don't really know," said Gaap, shrugging. "It just came up, that's all. The kids asked me first."

"T-the children were… were… w-were…" Virgilia moaned and buried her head in her hands. "T-that's even worse! That's not what they all think when they see me, i-is it?"

Gaap nodded. "Preettyyy much. That's what _I_ think when I see you most of the time, too."

Virgilia made a moaning sound vaguely reminiscent of a drowning kitten.

…Not that I would know, of course.

If you're really _that_ desperately curious to see whether the comparison works, go and throw kittens into a canal yourself. Or, if the idea sickens you, go and ask somebody with significantly less scrupulous morals than you to do it on your behalf.

That way, everybody wins.

"Hey, don't worry, Lia," said Gaap, now slightly concerned at her friend's distress. "It doesn't really matter, does it? People think you're pretty. It's a _good_ thing."

"B-but it makes me feel uncomfortable! You're _always_ making fun of me; it's like you don't realize there are certain _boundaries_, even between friends, because you always, always cross them!"

Virgilia lifted her head from her hands to glare at Gaap. It wasn't very effective because her eyes were rimmed with red from badly suppressed tears. Virgilia wasn't the sort of person whose face was built for anger.

Apart from when she opened her eyes, of course.

"I don't even know you keep following me around anyway, Gaap! Why did you bother to become a teacher? I thought you wanted to be a fashion designer!"

"Well, that'll always be the dream… I don't get why my designs aren't world famous by now; they're amazing!"

"And yet ever so slightly impractical," Virgilia muttered her breath.

You could hardly even call the random bits of material Gaap sewed together 'clothes' anymore, and that dress made out of balloons had been a huge disaster waiting to happen. Virgilia had to wonder why Ronove, whom Gaap actually _listened_ to, had never taken the curly-haired teacher aside before and told her, in that oh-so-polite way of his that made all insults sound like flattering compliments, that she was an idiot.

That would've saved Virgilia a few jobs.

"But you know why I'm a teacher, Lia?" Gaap continued, nudging the other teacher in the ribs with her elbows.

"Why…?"

"Because you're my friend and I wanted to stay with you." Gaap smiled sincerely. "That's the only reason."

Virgilia had been prepared for any number of sarcastic responses- but she hadn't expected that.

Gaap… actually sounded… sincere… …?

Virgilia's face flushed with something other than embarrassment, for once. Instead, it was… happiness?

Virgilia was so unused to feeling truly happy around Gaap it was a little confusing- but she was sure, if she had to label the emotion that blossomed in her chest, it would be joy.

When Gaap pulled Virgilia into a hug, Virgilia didn't resist.

Maybe, this time… Gaap was really, truly sorry.

* * *

><p>And what of Ronove, I hear precisely none of you asking? What was he doing whilst the sugary sweet friendshippy scene described above played out?<p>

Beelzebub- a cute high school girl with a ridiculous name- would be only too happy to explain.

"Come onnn, Ronove! Our age difference isn't even, like, that great! I mean, the mustache is kinda aging on you, but I bet you're still pretty young! I don't get what the problem is!"

"I am very flattered about your affections, Miss Beelzebub, but the problem is that I am a teacher and you are a student. Our respective roles haven't changed since this morning- which was, incidentally, the last time you asked me this question. We simply cannot have the kind of relationship you want."

Beelzebub's face flushed bright red with anger. Pouting, she stamped her foot on the floor. Her blonde pigtails bounced slightly, along with the ribbon on the front of her sailor fuku.

"It's not **fair**! You're tearing me apart, Ronove! Look, I'll even pay you- then it'd be cool, right? It'd be acceptabubble? _WHY__IS__SOCIETY__TEARING__US__APART?_"

If this were a scene from a J-drama, it would be suitably dramatic, with a zoom in of Beelzebub's tear stained face and touching violin music drifting in the background.

As it is, this isn't a scene from a J-drama, and so instead it just sounds vaguely laughable.

Ronove smiled his usual, impenetrable smile. That smile had been developed solely to deal with Beelzebub, who simply _refused_to leave him alone. During the past few years or so, of attempting to ward of the young girl's feelings, that half-smile had become his natural expression by default. It was a mark of how often Beelzebub followed Ronove that the emotionless smile had become so ingrained in his consciousness he now found it difficult to make any other expression.

"I don't want your money, Miss Beelzebub. I'm very sorry I can't help you, but that's just the way it is."

Beelzebub ground her teeth together, her fingers forming into a fist.

It was fine.

Ronove might run away from her now- but she'd get him one day!

And then…

And then… … …

A blissful, demonic smile crossed Beelzebub's face.

And then, finally, she would make Ronove, her home economics teacher and the best cook she had ever met, into her own personal butler!

Kikikikikikikyahahahahahaha!~

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, to more important matters and more important characters…<p>

To save any suspense that could be created by needlessly using epithets until the characters' names are revealed, one of these characters is named after a very large cat, and the other after a piece of legal documentation people write before they die to prevent things like _Umineko__no__Naku__Koro__Ni_happening.

"…You could have told me she was a high school student."

"I see no reason why that is an issue," said Will, folding his arms. "Dlanor is the brightest of the brightest. She can crack this case open like a cashew nut, guaranteed."

"But she's still a _high__school__student_," Lion intoned. "How on earth are we supposed to break into a high school? You could never pass as a student!"

Will raised a brow. "Why, pray tell, do we need to break in?"

"B-because-"

"I was actually intending on speaking to the receptionist at the school about our predicament, using a much valued investigation method of being polite, courteous and _incredibly__handsome_. However, if you would rather do this the difficult way and masquerade as a high school girl-"

"N-no, your way is fine!" said Lion, flushing light pink. "Better, even, much better- I wasn't thinking clearly! I got carried away and thought this was a comedy manga where two intrepid adventurers get into whacky situations, ha ha… Ha…?" Lion's laughter trailed away nervously. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Will smirked.

"I think I'm beginning to see the merit in _your_idea after all. The successor of the Ushiromiya family in a sailor suit, hmm?"

"K-kyahhh! _**Pervert**_!"

And then Lion unleashed his meta super; **the**** pinch ****of ****death.**

* * *

><p>"BEATRIICCEEEEEEE! The only way I'd be your slave- your <em>furniture<em>- is if I was a corpse! Let's **FIGHT**!"

"K-kyahh! I'm sorry! D-did I do something wrong? I-it's because I'm so clumsy, isn't it? Now George will never love me! UWAHHHH!"

"H-hey, wait, come back!"

But the not-Beatrice had already run away, stumbling and tripping twelve times for the perfect _moe__moe__kyunnn~_effect. She was also wearing a maid's attire and kitty ears.

Battler frowned.

"Hey, that wasn't my arch rival, Beatrice. That was Shannon…" Battler blinked in confusion. "She looked so much like Beato, though, just for a split second…"

Furudo Erika sighed.

"You really are **incompetent.**"

* * *

><p>"Okay, this time for sure… BEATORIIICHEEEE." Battler stabbed a finger at Beatrice mark two. "This means <strong>war<strong>!"

"I'm not 'Beatoriiicheeee'," said the not-Beatrice mark two, giving Battler an emotionless stare. "I'm Kanon."

"Oh, Kanon…! I'm sorry!" said Battler. "I thought you were…"

Kanon nodded. "I get that a lot."

Erika narrowed her eyes. "_Idiot!_"

* * *

><p>Battler had run about the whole school searching for Beatrice, who was more elusive than a golden butterfly in a sea of goat butlers (a weird metaphor… Battler wasn't quite sure how his mind had conjured it up). Eventually, though, he managed to track her down in the library.<p>

"Beatrice…" _Huff,__ huff_. "I-I have come…" _Huff,__ huff._ "To settle the score…"

The young girl Battler had accosted between the H to I section of the school library looked at him in askance. Her curly hair was light green, threaded with pearls, and it must have been a pain to style every morning. She held a pile of books close to her chest, whilst several other tottering, teetering towers of books had been placed about her.

"Oh, I am one, yet many," she replied softly, "and perhaps I was called Beatrice once… but not now." She sighed. "My name is Clair vaux Bernardus."

"Wow." Battler raised a brow. "That's such a nice, normal Japanese name. I'm not surprised at all that a girl like you happens to attend in a nice, normal Japanese school. Although… Ihihi… I guess your name is better than '410' or '45' anyway."

"**Moron**!" Erika snapped, slapping Battler about the face with a chopstick. "You must be some kind of idiot if you can't even find your own _arch__ rival_ in a tiny school like this! You're stupider than your hair suggests!"

"There's nothing wrong with my hair!"

"Urgh. Forget it." Erika folded her arms, sticking her nose up in the air. "I can't help you defeat Beatrice if you don't know who or where Beatrice _is_."

"So… are you giving up?"

A rather twisted, Bernkastel-worthy smile cut across Erika's face, finally proving she was a demon dredged up from the bottom of the Onigafuchi swamp Battler just like Battler had always assumed.

"Of course not! I, Furudo Erika, _**give **__**up**_? Perish the thought! You really don't know me very well at all, Ushiromiya Battleeeeerrrr!"

"Of course I don't, I only just met you."

"YES, dearest Battler!" the great detective continued, completely obliterating Battler's previous words with her own loud voice. "I, Furudo Erika, will not give up! Instead, I will bring in… _reinforcements_…"

Furudo Erika smirked.

"Pray tell, Battler… Have you ever heard of the _Iron__ Maidens_?"

* * *

><p>Zepar and Furfur were two students who were so bizarre it was a wonder they were even allowed to attend high school. For one thing, their clothes were the loosest definition of 'school uniform' ever created. Both wore their sailor uniforms (black and blue for Zepar, orange and green for Furfur) with pride and they had embellished them with knee high stripy socks, gloves, different colored berets, various unnaturally-colored roses and mountains of jewellery, all clinging and clattering against their skinny wrists. To simplify, they looked a little bit like the end result of an explosion in a Skittles factory. It was rumoured that Virgilia had gazed upon them for too long and, as a result, had gone partially blind; thus resulting to her constantly sleepy, half-lidded eyes.<p>

Ange had always tried to steer clear of the bizarre twins and their distinctly bizarre personalities, but now she had no choice. She _had_ to talk to them if she wanted to put an end to her raging roma- errr, great _respect_ and _admiration_ for her big brother.

Zepar and Furfur were the authorities when it came to love.

Nobody knew why.

They just _were._

"Ahh~ What's this, dearest Furfur?"

"I don't know, lovely Zepar!"

"What on earth does-"

"-this pretty maiden-"

"-want with us?"

"Fufufufufu~"

Briefly, Ange reflected that characters like Zepar and Furfur must be inordinately useful to lazy authors who wanted to boost the length of their chapters without writing too much. All they had to do was split up the twins' dialogue over about fifteen lines when one would have sufficed, et voil_à_ - the chapter doubled in length with minimum effort!

Ange then tried to regain her focus on the real world and not break the fourth wall because many people find that manner of 'humor' quite cheap and irritating.

Also, it's been done to death.

"I'm here because I am seriously in love with my big brother and I want him to return my feelings!"

Ange paused.

Then, she scowled.

"No, that's not what I wanted to say! I wanted to say I'm here because I-"

Zepar held up a hand. "No, that's quite alright. I understand your feelings perfectly."

"You do?"

"Yes!~" Furfur cooed. "Aren't forbidden relationships _wonderful_?~"

"Just so long as the continuous inbreeding doesn't give your children webbed toes."

"Or madness."

"Or haemophilia."

"Or infertility."

Zepar giggled. "Of course. I think the European royal family is a pretty good example of that."

"Hey, you guys… or girls… or whatever… I don't _love_ my brother, okay?" said Ange, folding her arms. "I just _like_him. There is a difference. I just… I've always been the most important girl to him, ever since I was little, and I guess I liked the attention… I was always happy with my big brother. I-I just feel really jealous when he's with somebody else… because then he might not love me as much anymore."

Zepar and Furfur nodded as they listened to Ange's exposition (it might be important to the story later on!)

"We understand," they chorused.

"If you really love-"

"_Like_."

"If you really like your brother-"

"-then seeing him happy-"

"-would also make you happy-"

"-so if he's fallen for somebody-"

"-let him be in love!"

Ange nodded thoughtfully, thumb and finger under her chin in a thinking pose.

"Mm, yeah… That's pretty good advice… except…"

"Except?"

"I fucking **hate** Beatrice and I want her to die."

Zepar and Furfur giggled, as though Ange had said something very amusing that wasn't actually highly disturbing.

"Yandere is good too!~ Fufufu~"

"It's becoming very popular nowadays!"

"Look at Miss Ryuguu in your class!"

"Rena is a…?"

Furfur smiled brightly. "She stabs people with a billhook when they get too close to Keiichi!~"

Ange's eyes widened. "Wow. And I thought _I_ was rapidly becoming the most insane person in this universe. This makes me feel a little better."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on a completely unrelated tangent(?), in a completely different universe, the teenage form of Ushiromiya Eva- attired in a badass dress with many pointless red ribbons studded about everywhere- was repeatedly throwing her beloved sister's mangled corpse up into the air and smashing it back down onto the ground again until all the delicate little bones in her body were shattered.<p>

Then there was cake.

Eva was cackling all the while (oh how she laughed and laughed)- thus proving little Ange had a long, longggg way to go before she had even reached the threshold of being 'a bit kooky' by Umineko standards, let alone becoming _insane_.

It was a noble goal Ange could work her way towards, though.

Who knew? If she actually became insane, she might even get an awesome new outfit out of it.

* * *

><p>"Now, billhooks are fine and all," said Furfur, returning the story to its school setting with a <em>thump<em>, "but Zepar and I prefer something more elegant-"

"-more deadly-"

"-more romantic-"

"-and more _PASSIONATE_!"

"What do you mean?" asked Ange, looking between the two smirking demons. "What should I do?"

Furfur giggled. "Why, the answer is obvious…"

"You should challenge Beatrice to a duel!"

* * *

><p>The <em>Iron<em>_ Maidens_ were, contrary to their name, not the historical torture devices Battler had been expecting, nor a heavy metal band. Instead, the _Iron__Maidens_were comprised of three girls, two of which went to Battler's school; Dlanor, Cornelia and Gertrude.

Battler was not impressed.

"These are your backup?" No offence, Erika, but… Why?"

"Because I am the great detective and _they_are my unstoppable forces of JUSTICE!"

"…No they're not. Cornelia's that weird girl who started the Dlanor A. Knox fanclub, and Gertrude is the nice woman who takes stray cats home with her."

"Details, details," said Erika airily. "With Eiserne Jungfrau fighting alongside us we'll be invincible! Beatrice won't stand a chance!"

"W-wait, what do you mean, 'won't stand a chance'?" said Battler worriedly. "I never said I wanted to _kill_her- I just wanted to find some loophole in our deal so I don't have to be her slave until the end of the day!"

"YES!" Erika continued, holding her arms wide, "we'll find Beatrice and we'll CRUSH HER LIKE AN ANT!"

"I-I think you've forgotten the original purpose of our mission!"

"We'll take Beatrice and we'll rip her limb from limb, and then-"

"That doesn't sound very safe… Who'll rip whom limb from limb?"

Battler turned about at the sound of this voice. There, stood before him, was none other than-

"Beatrice!" Battler shouted, stabbing a finger at the blonde-haired, blue eyed girl. "You need to hide! Erika is insane and now she's employed a group of girls named after a medieval torture device or a British heavy metal band to murder you! Quick, run, before she sees you!"

'Beatrice' narrowed her eyes.

"Of course Miss Erika has seen me. You just announced my presence to her _very,__ very __loudly_."

Battler laughed sheepishly. "Haha… Oh, yeah."

"And besides, I'm not Beatrice. I never was and never will be. I am Ushiromiya Lion."

"…Who?"

Beatolion sighed. "Your _cousin_."

"Prove it!"

_Pinch._

Battler's eyes widened in recognition. "Oh yeah! Lion! Well, that's unshakable evidence that would definitely hold up in court! I can't believe I forgot about you! But… why are you wearing a skirt?"

Lion flushed slightly, tugging at the hem of the too-short school skirt in agitation. "It's a long story… but it involves a certain prosecutor called Willard H. Wright… Oh, and here he is now."

The door of the classroom was pushed open dramatically with a loud _thump_, crushing some poor unfortunate soul against the side of the wall. There, in a flurry of falling rose petals, a light breeze blowing through his hair and a serious expression on his handsome face, stood Willard H. Wright himself.

Instantly, Will was mobbed by about twenty fangirls all scratching at his face, desperate to take one of his eyes home as a souvenir. Erika herself nearly collapsed on the floor in a pile of mush, muttering something about 'Wizard Hunting Wright!' and 'such a big fan!'

Dlanor, meanwhile, merely sat there and continued to sip her orange juice from its carton.

Battler decided he quite liked Dlanor a lot.

She was the only person he had met so far today who wasn't insane.

* * *

><p>Will Battler ever find Beatrice?<br>Will Ronove become Beelzebub's butler?  
>When will George or Jessica cameo?<br>What has happened to the fourth wall?  
>What am I talking about?<p>

Find out next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!

* * *

><p><strong>an: **More random…  
>Sorry it took so long, I should really get all this story up and posted given it was finished from the moment I started uploading it. I'm just slow ;A;<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	4. Ushiromiya Ange's Mission

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Four  
>'Ushiromiya Ange's Mission!'<p>

* * *

><p>Ange was a girl on a mission. Awesome battle music like, oh, let's say <em>worldenddominator<em>, played behind her as, pistol in hand, she marched through the eerily white hallways of her school.

Where was Beatrice? She **had** to find her so she could challenge her to a duel and rescue her big brother! She wouldn't stop until Beatrice had been reduced to a red, dripping pile of remains on the floor; a Beatriceburger!

Beatriceburger sounded a lot more alliteratively pretty than Angeburger, anyway.

Plus, Ange was pretty sick of that joke by now.

It got **old**.

As Ange marched, hair blowing behind her and shoes making _thud __thud __thud_ noisesagainst the floor a like a human heartbeat, numerous students jumped out of her way in alarm. Nobody messed around with a pistol toting high school girl; especially not if that girl was _Ushiromiya__ Ange_.

A flash of blonde hair snagged in Ange's vision. It could only be Beatrice! Eyes narrowing, she turned about and-

_Bang_!

-fired her single bullet perfectly into the girl's head.

It was only later, as Ange checked the corpse, that she realized it was Hojo Satoko.

…Oops.

Why did so many students at her school have _blonde__ hair_ anyway? It wasn't exactly common for a Japanese person.

Maybe they were doing it to trick her.

* * *

><p>"Hm… I don't think I can heal this wound," said Takano Miyo, the school nurse, as she looked at the body Ange had unceremoniously dumped onto a hospital bed. It was leaking red fluid everywhere.<p>

"Oh dear," said Ange, voice deadpan.

"Yes… Ufufu~ How did Satoko receive this wound again, Miss Ushiromiya?"

"She fell down the stairs."

"Really? How interesting! And the impact of the fall produced a small hole like that in the centre of her forehead _identical_to a bullet wound?"

Ange nodded.

"Specifically a bullet that came from the pistol you're holding in your hand?"

Ange nodded.

"How funny~ That truly is a chilling ghost story, fufufufu!~" Takano's voice dropped to a low whisper and her smile cut up her face practically from ear to ear. "Do you know how you're going to hide the body…?"

"The body's in your room now. It's your responsibility."

"Ahh, I suppose so~ You know…" Takano grinned devilishly. "I have been doing some research about a certain festival in the nearby Hinamizawa Village, and I would love to have a nice, juicy corpse to test some of the rituals on~ Do you know 'Watangashi' can refer to ripping out the intestines?"

"...Cool story, bro."

"Yes~ Ufufu~ I believe the victim chosen for the festivities would have nails driven through ev~e~ry joint of ev~e~ry finger before their internal organs were ripped out with a hoe. Doesn't that sound like fun?~"

Ange shrugged.

"Do whatever you want. I have business I need to attend to. I _was_wondering what all those dangerous torture devices were doing scattered around your room, though."

Ange, face expressionless, turned to look at Takano just before she exited the nurse's office.

She narrowed her eyes.

"_Have__ a __nice __day. __See__ you __in __hell_."

Takano giggled as the door of her office was closed behind her. That girl was so cool!~ Nipaaaaah!~

* * *

><p>"So let me get this STRAIGHT," said Dlanor A. Knox, looking, unblinkingly, between Will (who had just been mobbed by his 'adoring' fans and was now missing a few fingers) and Lion (who was wearing a sailor suit for some unknown reason). "You want to know the identity of the culprit who stole Kinzo's GOLD?"<p>

Will nodded. "That is correct. Do you have the answer?"

A small, cat like smile spread across Dlanor's lips. Slowly, she nodded.

Lion shifted a little, looking distinctly uncomfortable. Even so, Lion still tried to smile. "You do? That's… excellent! Grandfather will be so happy! Who is the culprit?"

Dlanor's soulless yellow eyes bored into Lion. Her grin grew wider and wider.

"If no crime has been committed there can be no CULPRIT. It's ELEMENTARY."

Lion's face turned pale and pasty. The other students in the class, meanwhile, were all looking upon the scene before them with amazement- Battler and Erika included, the latter of which was still drooling a little as she stared in awe at her idol, Willard H. Wright.

"What do you mean, Dlanor?" asked Will. "Why would Lion report a crime if none occurred? Lion doesn't look like the sort that would lie."

"You say that, but you don't even know what gender Lion IS," said Dlanor, voice deadpan.

"That doesn't matter; it doesn't matter at all! I would stake my life on Lion's honesty!"

"_Mreow_!"

There was a loud, angry hiss- and then, all of a sudden, a few dozen black cats jumped out from underneath various desks and began to claw Will's face.

Dlanor's smile did not waver.

"You should take your life more SERIOUSLY."

* * *

><p>"Do you think Miss Ange will use her new weapon in a responsible manner, Zepar?"<p>

"I believe she will," answered Zepar, nodding. "Most definitely!"

"You _do_ remember what happened last year when we gave Sonozaki Shion a weapon to defeat her rivals in love, though, don't you? All that mess was _disastrous_ to clean up! I would hate for it to happen again."

"I'm sure it won't. I have faith in the power of LOVE!"

"Yes, love can conquer all!~"

"Gyahahahaha!"

It was at that moment Ushiromiya Ange walked into the twins' club room with blood splattered down the front of her uniform. Her eyes strangely empty.

"Bullets. I need more. Now."

Zepar and Furfur stopped laughing at once.

* * *

><p>"Alright, Miss Beatrice, you're free to go," Chiester 00 said in her usual deadpan voice, "and pay more attention during my physics lessons next time, or I will be forced to give you another lunchtime detention. One day the knowledge of the trajectory required to shoot arrows across treacherous terrain into your opponent's head may be very important."<p>

"Yes, teacher," Beatrice replied, gathering up her _Hello__Kitty_ print stationery and putting it back into her bag. "I will try to pay attention next time. And I'll try to stop leaving Battler's parent's threatening messages about pulling out their organs and stuffing candy in there, but I can make no promises about that, gyahahaha!~"

"…I didn't even mention that."

"Didn't you? Oh, me and my silly mouth~" said Beatrice, cackling. "Just pretend you didn't hear anything then!~ Gyahahahahahaha!"

Ahhh, it was suuuchhh a pity she got a detention so she couldn't play with her new slave Ushiromiya Batttlerrrr all lunch, but now she was going to get him all to herself~ Fufufu~ She couldn't wait!

Idly, she wondered if she had missed anything important…

* * *

><p>"Damn. I guess that one wasn't Beatrice either," said Ange, scowling, as she turned the corpse of Asmodeus over with one foot. "Sorry, Asmo. I think it's the blonde hair. It's confusing. Japanese people don't typically have that, you see."<p>

* * *

><p>Then, Beatrice shook her head.<p>

Nothing important ever happened at her school.

* * *

><p>"Hey," said Beelzebub cheerily, sitting on her desk as she swung her legs back and forth. She was conversing with Leviathan, stuffing food from her bento into her mouth all the while. "Did you get to see the latest episode of <em>Magical <em>_Gohda __Chef_ yesterday?"

Leviathan's face fell. Her cheeks flushed, eyes beading with bitter tears. "No I didn't! I forgot! T-that's unfair; I'm so jealous! _Magical __Gohda __Chef_ is my favourite show, too!"

"Aww, suuuch a pity, ufufufu~ He was fighting against his nemesis, the evil Doctor Nanjo, last episode! It was so intense, seriously; I thought all was lost, and then Gohda used his _Pumpkin__ Tea __Special __Attack __Super_ and his _Magical __Skillet__ of __Doom_ and managed to save the day! Yayyy!~~"

"I think Gohda should be added to _Ougon Musou Kyoku_," said Leviathan seriously, hands on her hips. "He's awesome! He could attack everybody with saucepan lids and cheese graters! Not even Virgilia's spears would stand a chance!"

"Oooh, that would be so cool! And his nemesis, Dr. Nanjo, should be in it, too!"

"He could use body slam!"

"It's super effective!"

"And if that doesn't work, he could always use his meta super and proclaim all the characters in the game dead!"

"Yes!" said Beelzebub excitedly, "it's wonderful! I can just see it now!"

"But..."

"But?"

Leviathan sniffed, wiping tears away from her eyes. "I wish **I **was a playable character, too."

"It's not fair that Luci gets to be the main stake!"

"Not fair, not fair!"

"I **can **hear you, you know," said Lucifer hotly, whacking Leviathan over the head with her math textbook. "And you are you talking about such stupif things? Magical chefs? What is this?"

Beelzebub giggled cutely, striking a pose. "I thought Gohda needed more screen time! He's absolutely _delicious_!~~"

"He _is_ the Magical Gohda Chef, after all," said Leviathan seriously.

Lucifer sighed. "Okay, stop that. That's another joke that got **old**. And can we get back to the _real_story now? I think there's a grand finale we need to get to."

"Awww." Beelzebub stuck out her tongue. "Big sis is so boring!"

"Somebody has to stop this author from going off on random tangents or this chapter will get even longer. Hurry up, the readers are getting bored!"

* * *

><p>We interrupt this story for a brief musical interlude…<p>

"_Dokkyun__ dokkyun __kokoro__no, __keshi__go mu__kudasai_!_ Yeah, yeah, YEAH!~_"

Jessica smiled brightly as she finished her gratuitous character song insert, turning to look at her fellow band members.

"Well~ What do you think? This is pretty good, huh?~ We're going to be famous, I can just tell!" Jessica said brightly, magical desu sparkles radiating from her body.

"I'm wondering how you're able to sing that fast."

"And I'm wondering why we have to dress up as Touhou characters."

"And I'm wondering what this has to do with anything! Didn't Lucifer say last page break we need to speed things along? What's going on?"

The question was answered when Ange barged through the doors of the music club room and shot Jessica through the head.

Then, Ange sighed.

"More people with blonde hair… This is _ridiculous_!"

* * *

><p>"I can't believe it of you, Lion," said Will seriously, once he had managed to prize all the cats off him. "You presented me with a fake mystery just so I would spend time with you?"<p>

Lion nodded, face flushed, looking at the floor. Idly, Lion tugged at the hem of the school skirt, wishing it was a little longer- but maybe Will thought Lion looked cute in it?

Ha! Not that Lion _cared_ what Will thought, _of__course_. If Will was thinking of perverted things like that, then Lion'd just have to pinch his behind-

A-and then maybe, after that…

Lion gave a small 'eep' sound of distress.

"How did you figure it out, Dlanor?" Will asked, turning to the lavender-haired young girl who was still sipping her never-ending carton of juice.

"It was SIMPLE. After hearing the particulars of the mystery I knew, given Kinzo's personality, that he would never hide his gold in his OFFICE. His siblings are greedy people desperate for him to die so they can obtain his money; he would not hide it in such an obvious PLACE."

Battler shifted uncomfortably. "Hey, these _are_ my relatives you're talking about, you know."

"I APOLOGIZE. But, regardless of their relation to you, it became clear to me that Kinzo, being eccentric and paranoid, would hide his gold somewhere that would take a detective novel 5MB of words to reveal; perhaps in a secret room one would need to solve an epitaph under the portrait of a witch called Beatrice to REACH. Therefore, Ushiromiya Lion was LYING. Why Lion was lying, however, I will leave up your IMAGINATION."

* * *

><p>"Please allow me to speak. Do you have any threes?"<p>

"Let it be known that you have to go fish."

Cornelia sighed, reaching for another card.

The two members of Eiserne Jungfrau were being completely ignored; shunted into the background like the faceless, personality-less characters they pretty much were. That was fine with Gertrude, however. Surrounded by about twenty now-tame kitties who had once been baying for Will's blood, she had never felt happier.

_T-they're so fluffy~_

_I wonder what it would feel like if I stapled myself to them…_

_Uhuhuuhuhuhu~~~_

Cornelia looked at Gertrude in alarm, and shifted away from her slightly.

She didn't like the sound of that laugh.

* * *

><p>Lion's face was light pink.<p>

"I-I wasn't lying because I _like_ you or anything; not at all! I mean, it's not like I wanted to spend time with you because you're really attractive and I dream about you at night and- ahh, no, forget I said that!"

"No."

"U-um… W-will?"

"I said no. I _won__'__t_forget about it." Will smirked, his fingers cupping Lion's chin- effectively making Lion squeak (again). "Being a detective, of sorts, I cannot let even the tiniest of details slip my mind- and the details you have presented me are ones that I will never be able to ignore. Lion…"

"W-will…?"

Will's eyelashes flickered closed, Lion's following suit, they lent forwards, lips almost touching-

And then-

**Bang!**

"Hello, Ush~i~ro~mi~ya Battlerrrrrrrrr! Your mistress is finally here! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

At that exact moment several things happened.

_Several __thing__ #1:_ Cornelia beat Gertrude at go fish.  
><em>Several<em>_ thing__ #2:_ Will fainted from blood loss a la his missing fingers and numerous scratches.  
><em>Several<em>_ thing__ #3:_ Erika summoned a scythe from mid air and launched herself across the room at Beatrice, shouting 'I HAVE YOU NOW!'  
><em>Several<em>_ thing__ #4:_ Ushiromiya George sneezed, in a desperate attempt to remind everybody he still existed and had not fallen off the edge of the universe.

And _several__ thing__#5:_ Battler ran towards Beatrice and pushed her to one side, just barely managing to save her from the piercing blade of Erika's scythe.

"B-battler!" said Beatrice in alarm, now evolving into _Moetrice_ as the weight of Battler's body fell across her. Her face flushed. "What are you doing, you incompetent fool?"

"I'm saving you from Erika! She's insane and she wants to kill you!"

At that moment there was a loud _sving_and a _crash_, as Erika's scythe arced through the air once more and smashed into a table. It reduced the table into firewood, splinters flying everywhere in a deadly storm.

"DAMN IT!" Erika cried, enraged, as she tried to tug her scythe free from the ground, "you won't beat me this easily, Golden Witch! I, Furudo Erika, will _slaughter__ you__ like __a __dog!_ Maybe then my Master will love me! I've never been loved by anyone else before, you seeeee, because my long-time crush on Sherlock Holmes will never come true and for some reason people want to pair me with Amakusa, whom is now dead! I need Bern to return my feelings so I don't become completely lovelessss and aloooone! That's why I have to kill you!"

"Beato, we have to run!" Battler shouted, his fingers finding Beatrice's as he pulled her to her feet. "We need to escape!"

"O-okay!" said Beatrice, her fingers squeezing onto Battler's desperately. "I trust you!"

Battler and Beatrice, hand in hand, burst out of their classroom door, Battler pulling Beatrice behind him. Erika had finally managed to pull her scythe out of the floor and was hot on their heels. Pushing past various students and teachers, even knocking Shannon out a window (or maybe she fell out herself, being clumsy and useless), Battler and Beatrice ran desperately, breath catching in their throats.

"Get back here!" Erika shouted, swinging her scythe once more. A burning trail of red seemed to follow its movements; fifty scythes moving at once as lingering afterimages of Erika's swift movements hovered in the air. "**Ushiromiya**** Battler ****is ****incompetent**** and ****has ****stupid**** hair**!"

A burst of red shot forth from Erika's scythe, turning into a steak-like weapon as it ricocheted about the white hallways of the school. Battler and Beatrice ducked, the blade of red truth striking into the wall in front of them.

"This is bad, Battler!" said Beatrice, her face still light pink and her heart going _doki__doki_. "I don't know what's happening!"

Beatrice's sentiments were, most likely, echoed by everyone, readers included.

"Neither do I!" Battler said, proving the earlier sentence correct. "This world has gone _insane_! I thought this was meant to be a high school setting, why does Erika have a magic scythe, this doesn't make sense! Damn iiiiiiiit! But let's not stop thinking! I know we can beat this reality if we just BELIEVEEEEE!"

"Let's do our best, then!" Beatrice smirked, a flicker of her old, arrogant self splitting across her face. "I would never die in such an undignified way, in a sailor outfit! It pisses me off! So I definitely CAN'T lose! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's the spirit, Beato!"

"Yess~ If worst comes to worse I'll use you as a human shield, and you can get sliced in two for me!"

"…Okay, _now_ we're bordering on creepy."

"GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Battler sighed. "You know, you're a lot nicer when you're being cute."

* * *

><p>Will Lion and Will kiss?<br>Will Ange carry out her mission of revenge?  
>Will George get any more lines? (Probably not!)<br>Will they add Gohda and Nanjo to _Ougon Musou Kyoku? _(Like hell!)  
>Will Gertrude staple herself to a cat? (If you really want me to write that, you sick freak!)<br>Did anybody notice the number of exclamation points at the end of each bracket increased by one each time? (No they didn't!) (That's cause ff . net ate them all, erasing the joke.) (Awww, why'd they do that?) (I don't know! Maybe you better-)

Find out next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!


	5. Furudo Erika's First Move

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Five  
>'Furudo Erika's First Move'<p>

* * *

><p>"Everybody, I have grave news!" said Lucifer, the oldest of the seven stakes, as she looked at her assembled sisters. Asmodeus had (miraculously) recovered from her bullet wound in the head.<p>

In the words of Willard H. Wright, don't think about it too much. You'll only get a headache.

After a dramatic pause, Lucifer exclaimed, "Milady is being attacked!"

"Then, as the Seven Schoolgirls of Purgatory, we have to save her!" said Belphegor.

"Yes! Come, my sisters- let us fight!" Lucifer proclaimed.

"I want to smash some skulls!"

"You're such a nice lady, Satan," said Mammon, giggling.

"If you don't shut up I'll smash **your **skull next."

* * *

><p>"You can't run forever, BEATRICEEEE! Chiester Sisters- come to my side!"<p>

In a flurry of golden butterflies the three Chiester Sisters, background characters in a school drama no longer, appeared at Erika's side.

"Ahh, I was tired of being a cute schoolgirl anyway, nihi!~" said 410, sniggering. "Being a cute **bunny girl **is far, faaar better!"

"I-I don't know," 45 said nervously, "I-I liked being friendly and non-lethal for once… I-I even met a nice boy in one of my classes, a-and we were going to go on a date together and-"

"Pfft. Like you could ever get a boyfriend when you're so shhhy and stuttery, nihihi~"

"T-that's mean!"

"Whateveeer, nihi!~ From shooting down meteorites to fighting witches, we can do anything, Lady Erika!" said 410, turning to address the improbably-haired witch. "What do you require of us?"

"I require you to _stop wasting my time_ and **kill them**!" Erika snapped, stabbing a finger at the retreating forms of Beatrice and Battler.

00 bowed her head. "Certainly."

"W-we'll do our best!"

"This will be a piece of cake, nihihi!"

_Zwing!_

In a looping coil of golden thread the homing arrows of the Chiester sisters- one after another after another- were fired down the narrow expanse of white corridor, ricocheting off the walls and piercing all in sight as they searched for their targets.

It was a rather interesting day at school for all those concerned.

For all those who didn't get impaled by those heartless sewing needle like threads, of course.

"What'll we do?" Battler asked, turning to stare in horror at the coil of golden sewing machine thread. "There's no escape!"

Beatrice bit her lower lip in alarm. "I-I don't-"

_Boom!_

In an explosion of sound effects, smoke and magic, two stone towers cut through the floor of the hallway, standing before Beatrice and Battler as a sort of shield.

Beatrice blinked in surprise.

"Oh… I forgot I could do that. I guess I got a little too into my role on this game board for a moment there! Gyahahaha!~"

To Battler's amazement, he noticed Beatrice's schoolgirl regalia had all but melted off her body. It was just like a transformation in a magical girl anime. All that was missing was the continuous spinning, inane music and constant stock footage reuse every time her outfit changed. Beatrice's sailor suit had been replaced with a regal, ornate dress befitting a princess, and her hair was neatly coiled up in a bun at the back of her head.

"Yes~ I forgot aaaaaall about this, fufufufufu! I was so busy adhering to the rules of a nice, normal universe I lost my powers and my knowledge of them altogether!"

"What, that constant cackling was you being_ normal_?"

Just like everybody else in this rapidly deteriorating high school setting, Beatrice ignored Battler. She didn't have enough time to verbally spar with the confused boy; not when there was **real **fighting to be done.

"Seven Stakes of Purgatory; arise!"

A chorus of 'yes Milady!'s filled the room, as, one by one, seven cute girls in outfits far too skimpy to wear at any school (apart from maybe one existing in some trashy manga or anime series) appeared in a burst of gold leaf.

For Battler, they were just seven more rather sharp nails to drive into the coffin of logic and reason.

Battler would miss his normal life dearly.

"Ooh, I've been waiting for so long!~" cooed Mammon, stretching. "I want to embed myself in somebody's flesh and feel their nice warm blood trickling down their body!~"

"Good, good," said Beatrice, smirking. "Your commands are simple. Go after Furudo Erika and her furniture!"

"Yes Milady!"

The seven sisters all saluted. Exploding once more in a burst of gold, there hovered in the air seven deadly looking sacrificial knives, all of which went flying through Beatrice's defences to 'play' with Erika.

"W-what is this?" Battler winced; fingers grasping at his skull, which felt as if it would fall apart.

"Magic, _dearrrr_ Battler. There's MAGIC EVERYWHERE!~~ Gyahahahahahaha!"

* * *

><p>"W-why won't our attacks connect?" Chiester 45 squeaked, ducking to dodge a piercing blow from the Stake of Gluttony.<p>

"I-I don't know, nyeheh! I-it feels like there's an anti-magic shield-"

"E-even now? Somebody is repelling us? But who?" asked 410.

"Don't think about it too much," said Lucifer, pressing herself against 410's throat. "It will only give you a headache."

"Hey, don't steal Will's catch phrase just because he got knocked out before the action started!" said Asmodeus, pouting. "You're not hot enough to take his lines, Luci!"

Belphegor sighed. "Stay on focus, Asmo."

"O-oh, of course!~ Hehehe~"

"The detective knows best, huhhh?~" Mammon cooed, reverting to her human form a few brief moments. "Then try and get out of _this one_, Furudo ERIKAAAAAA!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the three members of Eiserne Jungfrau were still seated in the ravaged classroom playing cards.<p>

"Do you think we should help Lady Erika?" asked Cornelia worriedly. "It is our duty, after all…"

"Not in this universe," said Gertrude, smiling, as she petted one of her many cute kitties. "I want to be a normal human girl for a little while longer."

Dlanor looked between her comrades with her usual empty eyes.

"Do you have any FIVES?"

"L-let it be known that you have to go fish!" Cornelia bowed her head, hair ribbons fluttering slightly. "I-I'm sorry I'm beating you! I-I'm surprised, too!"

Dlanor smiled a small, cat like smile. "Well, I suppose that is concrete proof this really is an alternate UNIVERSE. Miss Cornelia is actually good at SOMETHING."

"T-t-that's really mean!"

* * *

><p>"Do you think we've escaped?" Battler asked, doubled over and out of breath, slumped on a park bench. He had Beatrice had fled the school and taken refuge in a park; a picturesque environment filled with pretty flowers and green trees, though Battler was too exhausted to take note of it.<p>

Chances were, it would just fall apart and turn into some nightmarish abyss filled with demon goat butlers anyway.

What in the world was happening?

Beatrice shrugged. "Who knows if we're escaped or nottttt? I don't care!"

"But-"

"I'm not running away; I'm merely waiting for my enemies to find me, gyahahaha!~ The Golden Witch Beatrice **does not** run away!"

Battler looked at Beatrice for the first time.

Well, not really, but he felt a sudden rush of understanding towards the proud school witch (if anything sounded like a weird anime title _that _did) he had never experienced before.

Golden Witch? Was it really possible? Battler had only ever known her as Beato, or occasionally Miss Cow Tits, an annoying girl he had somehow become best friends with. Sure, she stole his clothes and made him her slave and played all sorts of confusing mind games with him, but was she really that bad?

Was she really… a witch?

Battler didn't know, but he was beginning to feel faint _doki doki _stirrings inside his heart that were 50% due to his mad rush from the school and 50% due to a romantic plot tumor that was just seconds away from happening.

Beatrice looked… so proud and beautiful… especially under the mottled light of the trees overhead…

When Battler spoke, his voice was quieter than usual. "Beato…"

Beatrice turned to look at him, her face flushed slightly (although that might have been because she'd been doing a lot of running in a very impractical skirt, whilst wearing very impractical shoes).

"Yes, Battler?"

"I… I…"

But Battler's stumbling, embarrassing confession of deeper feelings and maybe TRUE LOVE was disrupted when-

"Gyahahaha!~ You didn't _**really**_ think I'd be content with a few throwaway lines at the start of this story, did youuuuuuu?"

"Indeed." Bernkastel, the Witch of Miracles, smiled coldly as she looked down at Battler and Beatrice. "I'll show you _just_ how cruel I can be when the author of this pitiful _kakera_ tries to gloss over my existence!"

"You'll pay for overlooking us in your high school drama, BEATRICEEEEEEEEE! I want top billing as the lead actress! After all, I **DID **get third place in the last popularity polls- so my fans will be really, reeeeeeaally disappointed if you forget about me! Oh ho ho ho ho!"

And with that, Lady Super Paper and Lady Bernkastel made their dramatic appearances.

* * *

><p>"N-ngh…" Erika winced, doubling over as a stake pierced her through the middle. Warm, red blood began to trickle from the wound, <em>drip drip dripping <em>onto the floor. Her eyes beaded with tears. "N-no! I need the approval of my Master; I-I won't be defeated so easily!"

Her fingers clenched into fists for no apparent reason other than it made her look _badass._

Her eyes narrowed.

She was the Witch of Truth- the grand detective- and she held the key to unravelling this mystery in her hands! Yes; with just a few simple words, she could scatter the pesky seven sisters to the seven winds!

Gyahahahahahahaha!

"**It is absolutely impossible for you sisters to posses this power in this current universe… After all…**" Erika staged away, falling against one of the walls of the ruined hallway- but her voice was still as red as her wounds (somehow). "**The setting of this story won't allow it!**"

Leviathan stopped dead in her tracks, transforming back into her hovering human self. A horrible, burning pain cut through her stomach, making her gasp in agony.

"T-this is really bad! S-she can't be planning on-"

"I think she is!" said Asmodeus, also transforming.

"N-no! Nononono!" wailed Beelzebub. "I don't _**wanna**_ be a normal girl anymore! Food tastes so much nicer after you've been staking bunny girls!"

"I like being able to kill and maim senselessly!" said Satan. "I-I can't do this as a normal girl; I'd get arrested!"

"Unless your name is Ushiromiya Ange," said Belphegor.

"Of course. Ange can do whatever the hell she wants because she's a god damn Ushiromiya!" said Mammon.

"And the Ushiromiya eagle never turns back!" chipped in Asmodeus.

"Alright, alright- we get it! Here's the plan, girls! We absolutely _cannot _let her deny us!" Lucifer shouted. "Seven Sisters- gouge and kill! Shut her up before she has enough time to say it!"

"Yes, sister!"

The seven sisters took to their monstrous forms once more, cutting through the air as they embedded themselves- one, two, three, four, five, six, seven- in rapid succession inside Erika's warm, wet flesh. Gouging the knee, the neck, the chest; gouging over and over again as they dragged themselves from Erika's body to drill in a little deeper next time-

But it was no use.

Vomiting up blood, scythe slackening in her hands, Erika was still able to continue.

Nothing could stop the great detective when she was concluding a case- NOTHING!

This was her moment, and Erika wouldn't let anybody ruin it! If they wanted to spoil her deductions, they'd have to do it over her COLD, DEAD body! That was what being a detective meant! It meant being _indestructible!_

"Aaah, go away, go and die, just go and diiiiiie! The detective can't be killed this easily- who the hell do you think I aaaaam? How would a detective story be if the detective was killed halfway through? Nobody would want to read it, would they? They wouldn't, RIIIIIIGHT? What do you think, everyone? AHAHAHAHA!~

"Here is my reasoning, you stupid, brain-dead useless paperweight pieces of FURNITURE! Take it as a souvenir when you get torn up in hell! Gyahahahahahaha! **The Stakes of Purgatory have no right to exist as anything other than cute high school girls! Because of the setting of this universe, this level of reasoning is possible for Furudo Erika**! Now go back to the original forms the author of this game _intended you to have_!"

There was a collective scream from the seven sisters.

The great detective had taken her already fraying universe and sewn it back together with red; huge bursts of the color exploding from the bodies of the seven sisters, as their false forms were cleaved away to reveal…

Seven girls.

Seven ordinary high school girls, who could no more have transformed into stakes then they could have brought Magical Gohda Chef back for a second season.

They were all lying on the floor, attired in their sailor suits, unconscious, amidst the similarly rumpled, mangled forms of the felled Chiester sisters.

Erika swayed drunkenly on her feet, giggling to herself all the while, as her severe injuries slowly began to knit themselves back together with invisible thread.

"After all," said Erika lightly, picking up her severed right hand, "I am the detective. I wouldn't allow myself to get killed so easily! Did you see that, my Master? Did you see iiiiiiit?

"Wait for me my Master, I'm coming to join you!"

* * *

><p>Clair smiled a very rare, fleeting smile to herself as she opened up a book, curled up in a corner of the library. She had no desire to renounce her existence as a normal human, unlike the others that inhabited this alternate universe high school <em>kakera.<em>

For once, she had an identity of her own.

Now she was such a minor character in an otherwise huge, completely _insane _story the chances were she would be completely fine. The author was already struggling to juggle so many characters, and fight scenes weren't really their forte- they'd much rather be writing crappy porn about Ronove and Battler. Surely they'd be nice and let Clair sit by herself and read, even as this world collapsed and crumbled down around her?

She giggled softly.

_At least I won't get my insides pulled out of me this time._

* * *

><p>Will Clair survive this story?<br>Will Battler and Beatrice escape?  
>Will the romantic plot tumor develop?<br>What happened to Ange?

Find out next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!


	6. Crisis

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Six  
>'Crisis'<p>

* * *

><p>And back to the main action…<p>

_The_executioner _was playing ominously in the background as Battler and Beatrice, huddled together, found themselves surrounded by thousands upon thousands of glowing eyes.

Black cats, hungry, underfed, [insert ominous sounding adjective here] and salivating were watching them in the darkness. The cats were so tightly packed together the hateful creatures were walking upon each other's faces; clawing their own skin, gouging their neighbours and inspiring even more hatred amongst each other.

If this was what they would do to their companions, then what would they do to their enemies?

Those razor-sharp claws, most likely infused with rabies, looked deadly.

Was this really the end?

Battler shivered as his hand held Beatrice's hand tightly. To his surprise, Beatrice was trembling, too- a sure sign this situation really _was _desperate, if the 'Great Golden Witch' was scared.

"Aww, how cuuuute~" said Lambdadelta, giggling. She was watching the scene below her play out as though it were a movie. "Even the amaaaaazing witch Beatrice gets afraid sometimes- and when she does, she needs an incompetent fool like Ushiromiya Battler to hold her hand! T-that's so adorable! I'm glad I get to put people in such horrible situations with my awesome powers, just so I get to see cuuuute scenes BeaBato scenes like this, ehehe!~"

Somehow, a big bucket of popcorn had appeared in her black gloved hands, and she was eating from it cheerfully, smiling.

Beatrice's eyes narrowed in a fit of rage. Her whole face turned red with anger.

"I'm not scared, I'm just COLD; this dress is really impractical, you know? And **NOBODY **calls Ushiromiya Battler incompetent except _me_! Seven Sisters of Purgatory-"

"Aww, now _that's _a pity. Those seven school girls won't be coming to help you now!~ They have more important things to worry about now, like not failing their exaaaams! Ahahaha!~"

"W-what?"

Whirling about in alarm, Beatrice looked up.

Then, her blue eyes widened in shock.

I-it couldn't be… … The seven sisters should have made mincemeat out of that little wannabe detective in two seconds!

But, even though it couldn't be… it definitely, definitely _was_ be.

…Er, it was, rather.

It definitely was!

There, standing nimbly on a tree branch a little above her head, was none other than Furudo Erika.

"_You monster_!" Battler shouted in English. He didn't know what was going on, or what, precisely, he had just said, but it sounded cool, and he didn't want to be left out of the action.

Erika smirked. "You _**dare**_ talk to the Great Detective of this story like that? You know, with just a simple dose of the red truth, I could take your _girlfriend_ over there and-"

"No," said Bernkastel coldly.

Erika looked at the kitty cosplaying witch in surprise. "M-master?"

"No, don't kill them," Bernkastel repeated. "It would be rather too easy- and far too_ boring_. Let us see how these two fare against my cute kitties for now~"

"Y-you sadistic bitch!" Battler shouted.

Lambdadelta giggled, wrapping her arms round Bernkastel.

"That's why I love her~"

"Indeed… Now then, my little kitties- _**attack**_!"

The hissing noise grew louder and louder. A wall of cats emerged from the trees to engulf Beatrice and Battler, like a hungry mouth trying to swallow them up.

Beato shrank back against Battler slightly, but she still tried to appear strong and dignified. If this wasn't a duel between red text but, rather, was a duel using _magic_ then-

Yes, of course!

"Gyahahaha!" Beatrice threw back her head and laughed. "You dare challenge me with this _farce_ of a fight? Fine, fine; I see how it is! Teacher! Gaap! Ronove!"

In a discordant chorus of 'Yay!~ Riicheee!~', 'yes, Milady?' and 'it's nice to see you again, young child, ohoho~' Beatrice's three allies appeared; Virgilia and Ronove in a cloud of butterflies, whilst Gaap appeared from (seemingly) out of the earth.

"Oh geez," said Battler, sighing. "More weirdoes. Yippee."

"Hey, hey, hey!" said Gaap, hands on her hips, "I resent that. With an outfit like this, you can't just call me a 'weirdo'! I've gone way, way beyond that level! Ahahaha!"

Battler looked at Gaap properly.

Then, he did a double take.

D-did something like that even count as an _outfit_…?

Yeeeup, she was probably right.

Something like that couldn't even be called weird. It was in a whole class of its own.

* * *

><p>"Do you have any FOURS?"<p>

"Let it be known that I do," said Cornelia, handing over two cards to Dlanor. She flushed slightly as their fingertips brushed. "You're very good at this game!"

"Thank YOU."

"Hey," said Lion sheepishly, looking between the three girls quietly playing cards, "can I join in? I think the author decided to leave me out of the action, too…"

"Same here!~"

"Oh, I'm so depressed, Furfur!"

"I know, Zepar!"

"Uwahhhh!~"

The two brightly dressed twins, who had appeared (seemingly) out of nowhere, clung onto each other, pretending to cry.

"I think the author decided keeping our genders secret was more trouble than it was worth," said Lion, sighing. "She's too lazy to pick through this silly story for stray pronouns. That's why we won't get anymore screen time."

"No, that's not it," said Furfur, giggling.

"We all know the real reason-"

"-you're not fighting-"

"-is because Will wouldn't want-"

"-to see your pretty face-"

"-get hurt."

"Even if he is knocked out himself at the moment."

"He'd be pissed if-"

"-_when._"

"Of, of course. _When _he woke up-"

"-and saw you in the middle of all the action."

Together, the brightly dressed twins crooned, "It's because Willard loooves you!~ Ahahaha!"

"R-really?" Lion's face flushed. "Y-you mean it?"

"Ffff." Zepar snorted. "_No_."

"You're getting left out because you couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag and you know it!"

"That's why you're not a main character in _Ougon_."

"Gyahahahaha."

"Kyahahahahaha!"

Gertrude sighed, idly stroking one of her numerous kitties that rested on her lap. It purred.

Cats were so much nicer than humans.

And fluffier.

One day she would staple herself to a cat...

One day... ...

* * *

><p>"Ahh, this is easy- <strong>easy<strong>!"

The demon of bad fashion and insane hair (also, portals) was spinning round amidst the sea of hissing, spitting, clawing, verbing cats, opening up various black holes at will and depositing the cats into nightmare dimensions they would never escape. Her red skirts whipped round her as she moved, blonde curls bouncing in the wind.

"Y-yes, I suppose," said Virgilia, spearing a couple dozen cats with her divine weapons straight from Viking myth, "but I can't help but feel a little… cruel. They're only cats."

"They're demonic cats from _hell _that want to eat off your face, Lia! That's what kind of cats those cats are! They're not good cats, they're evil cats, because they're owned by that cat cosplay witch! Aaargh! Cats!"

"Why do you keep saying 'cats'?" asked Beatrice, hitting a cat upside the head with her pipe.

"I'm wondering how many times I can say it before it loses all meaning," said Gaap, grinning. "Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats~ Virgilia, don't pity the cats! They want to KILL you!"

Virgilia paused as she digested that information. She stood still, eyes sleepy, fingers under her chin, for a while.

A particularly bad tempered cat took its chances to hit her exposed back-

_Mreow!_

-and, with a loud, bone-splitting **crunch**, the divine spear Gungir shot through the sky and pierced the cat's skull. It exploded in a burst of foul smelling, acrid smog.

Virgilia smiled brightly, her eyes widening. Her pupils were dilated.

"…You have an excellent point!~ Maybe I can use these pests as target practise!~ Oh ho ho!~"

"I do believe you've managed to awaken something rather terrifying in Miss Virgilia. Pu ku ku…" Ronove laughed, watching as Virgilia began to rain more divine spears upon the impudent kitties that dared to even paw at the hem of her dress.

"You know it! Lia is pretty damn scary when she- h-hey, my hair is _not _a ball of wool! Scram!"

And with that, Gaap plucked one of the cats off her head, threw it into the air, and closed a gaping black portal about it.

She sighed, dusting her hands off on her dress.

"I'm not really a cat person."

* * *

><p>"Do you want any sugar with your tea, Bern~?"<p>

Bernkastel shook her head. "No thank you. I find it dulls the unique taste somewhat."

"Humph. Suit yourself." Sticking out her tongue, Lambda tipped the small of pot of sugar into her own plum tea, then downed it in one.

Bernkastel watched, eyes narrowed, but nothing happened.

A pity.

"Huh? Why are you starin' at me like that, Bern?"

"I wanted to see you have a heart attack from all that sugar. You didn't. You have failed to entertain me and now I am disappointed."

"Hehe~ I know you don't mean it, Beeern~ You'd be bored without me, ufufufu~"

"Well…" Bernkastel looked down at her lap, blue hair falling across her face; hiding her expression in shadows. "Maybe… … Humph."

And with that, she turned her head to one side, and drained her cup of umeboshi tea in one go.

Lambda giggled to herself, two pink spots appearing on her cheeks.

Bern was so cuuuute when she got all mushy and _deredere_ like that, it made her sugar-spun heart go _dokidoki~_

"Mm~ I love you, Beeern," Lambda said. The warm smile on her face was rather more sincere than usual- and when she pulled Bern into a hug, the Witch of Miracles didn't resist. "I knooow you love me really~"

Bernkastel's eyelids fluttered shut; sooty black lashes falling against her pale, snow-colored skin.

"…Mm. Well, being this close with you isn't boring, so I will put up with it. Although." Sniff, sniff. Her nose wrinkled. "You smell horribly sweet. It's making my stomach turn."

"That's all part of my charm! Ehehe!"

It was at this point Erika, who had been viewing this lovey-dovey scene with some confusion, decided she had to speak up.

"M-master, d-don't you think we should step in and fight now? Y-your familiars seem to be losing?"

Bernkastel looked at Erika coldly. "Why should I step in now? A game like this is always more fun if I let the opponent believe they have a small chance of victory before I step in and snatch it away~ Ufufufu~"

"O-oh! I see! T-that's a good battle plan, Master!"

"And, of course…" Bernkastel grinned. Uncoiling herself from Lambda's hug, she picked up the teapot resting on the table, and poured herself a fresh cup. "I wouldn't want to let the tea go cold."

"B-but Master!"

"Shut up and be a good table. You're just fuuuurniture, you hear? If I want to talk to furniture I'd start having conversations with wardrobes or chairs!"

"Y-yes Master…"

Cowed, Erika sighed.

Crouching on her hands and knees like that whilst Bern and Lambda drank tea off her was a lot harder than it looked.

* * *

><p>"Are they thinning out?" Beatrice asked, firing a volley of golden butterflies at a small circle of cats grouping about her.<p>

"I think so, Riiche!"

"Ohoho~ These poor strays really are no challenge at all!" said Virgilia.

"That's what I thought!" Beatrice cackled, kicking a nearby cat in the face. "This is easy, seriously easy- far, faaaar too easy! Throw me a bigger and better challenge next time, Lady Bernkastel! And they call _you_ the cruellest witch? GYAHAHAHAHA-"

"Milady, please be careful!"

"H-huh?"

There was a hiss, and a loud explosion that sounded a little like internal organs being splattered across a wide radius. Beatrice turned around, slightly nonplussed, to see Ronove stood before her, a protective barrier surrounding her.

Apparently, one of the cats had taken a wild slash at the back of her neck- and it would have succeeded, too, if Ronove hadn't turned it into processed meat.

"Fufufu…"

Beatrice looked down at the floor, slightly embarrassed. Her face was flushed light pink with gratitude. Even after one thousand years, she still found it very awkward when people were this kind to her. She was a cruel witch, so she was accustomed to being loathed and hated. Kindness like this… always made her heart flutter in her chest.

It made her feel like a young girl.

That was why she sounded so soft, and so unlike herself, when she muttered softly, "Thank you…?"

Ronove smiled. "It is no problem- but please remember not to boast so openly during a fight you haven't yet won."

"Mu… Fine, fine."

Beatrice scowled. Then, out of irritation at being chastised, she turned about and kicked one of Bernkastel's cats in the face.

It exploded; head cracking open to reveal an acrid smelling black ooze that leaked over her shoes.

"D-damnit! Now I'm even _more_ pissed off!"

"Mind your language please, Milady~ Pu ku ku~"

* * *

><p>Finally, with a sickly <em>squish <em>of cat corpse underfoot, the quartet of fighters managed to disperse of the last of the kittens. The fight had been long and hard, and the cats had bled much of their sickly black innards onto the floor, (Beatrice was now beginning to doubt whether Bernkastel's familiars were real cats at all Cats didn't bleed like that), but they were finally triumphant.

Even so, Beatrice couldn't disguise the fact she was tired; exhausted, even. She swayed drunkenly, trying to remain upright, and Ronove had to catch her lest she fell over.

The prideful expression on her face, however, was strong as steel.

"Ha! Haha… Gyahahahaha! I've defeated you, Bernkastel! What do you have to say that, the so-called 'Witch of Miracles'?"

Bernkastel merely smirked, holding her ornate teacup delicately.

"Well done. I would applaud you if my hands were free. As it is, you will have to settle for my words of congratulations."

"T-that's not nearly enthusiastic enough!" said Beatrice huffily. "It should be something a little more enthusiastic, like , yessss?~"

"Oh, if I were you I wouldn't be so confident _just yet_."

"Excuse me…?"

Lambdadelta cackled, hands on her hips. "You reallyyyy haven't noticed? You sure _are_ slow!~ Why… Fufufufu… Where is the other half on my lovely OTP?~"

Beato frowned. "…OTP?"

Virgilia also frowned; placing one finger to her lower lip in confusion. "OTP…? I-is this something only youngsters understand, like emoticons, Skype and eyebrow piercings… …?"

"It might be an abbreviation?" suggested Ronove.

Gaap smirked. "Hehe~ Let me educate you lower life forms! In the language of LOVE and **fangirlism **it stands for 'one true pairing'! Just like mine is Hari-Pota/Sakutaro; a crossover from those two popular children's' novels, _Harry the Potato_ and _Sakutaro's Adventures_! _Geez_!"

"Oooh, so that's what that means," said Beato. "But I still don't understand-"

"Oh, for certainty's sake," said Lambda crossly, rolling her eyes, "I meant **Battler**, okay? Where has Battler gone?"

Instantly, realization dawned across Beato's face. Her skin went deathly pale.

"Battler?"

Beatrice whirled about in alarm, hitting Gaap in the face with her stupidly elaborate dress. The demon pouted and held her sore cheek, but Beatrice didn't notice. Where was that red haired, arrogant, obnoxious, infuriating, kind of handsome and hand-pointy and heart-fluttery plaything/slave/future husband (but not that last part!)

H-he was…

"Gone? Gyahahaha!~" Lambdadelta cackled. "If you weren't so busy fighting my Bern's cute kitties, then maaaaybe your man wouldn't have got away!"

Beatrice's face turned red. "H-he's not my man!"

(Quietly, Gaap said something that sounded like "_Tsundereeee~_", but Beatrice paid her no attention.)

"Well, of course Battler isn't _your man_," said Bernkastel archly. "Not anymore."

"What have you done with him? What have you done with my own slave? Give Battler back or I'll tear you apart with my OWN. BARE. HANDS."

"Oooh, she's getting serious! How _scaaaary_," said Lambdadelta, pretending to shiver. "I'm _scaaaared_ Bern, uwaaaah!"

"Indeed. Her anger is so unseemly," said Bernkastel. "If you ask nicely, I might let you take a little glimpse at poor Battler."

Beatrice grit her teeth together until they felt as if they would splinter. Her fingers clenched into fists at her sides. She didn't want to grovel- the great Golden Witch **NEVER **grovelled- but if she didn't, then Battler would…

N-nobody got to physically harm/mentally abuse/torture/laugh at/drink tea with Battler instead of **HER!**

"Fine!" Beatrice shouted, her eyes prickling with angry tears at this horrible humiliation. She tried to wipe them away, though her face was flushed pink. _Moetrice_ was back in full force. "F-fine, whatever! Please let me see Ushiromiya Battler!"

"…Haa. Well, it's good enough." Bernkastel's grin split across her face. "But you might have to call him _Furudo Battler_ from now on!"

And with that, the scene of the park under the moonlight (the fight lasted a while) shifted- rippling slightly at the fabric of the universe itself distorted.

The park was soon replaced with the interior of a white chapel.

Erika was standing at the alter dressed in a wedding dress, with an insane smile on her face.

The groom, with the dead-eyed look in his eyes was undeniably…

"B-battler!"

But it was too late.

Beatrice's words could not reach him.

Even as she spoke, Erika was already pushing a fanged, _biting _wedding ring onto Battler's finger.

The ring was obviously too tight for such a large amount of flesh, and no matter how much Erika pushed and shoved it wouldn't go in. Eventually, smirking deviously, she bent down and began to lick Battler's fingers, lubricating them so she could force the ring tightly against his finger, riiight down the base. Blood trickled down Battler's meaty length, as he threw his head back and moaned in pain-

* * *

><p>"Do you have any fours?" asked Furfur sweetly, looking between their numerous Go Fish partners, and thus reminding the author that this story was rated T and the previous scene should be instantly removed.<p>

* * *

><p>"Did I do well, Master! Did I, did I?" Erika asked deliriously, spittle trailing down her chin as she stared at Bernkastel.<p>

"You did. You make a _very _lovely bride, ufufufu~"

Lambdadelta pouted. "I'd make a better one though, wouldn't I, Bern?"

"No! T-this can't be happening! This is a complete rip off of the climatic end of episode 6 for a start!" Beatrice shouted, stabbing her pipe at Bernkastel. "I thought this was meant to be a high school alternate universe. What the hell **HAPPENED**?"

Bernkastel shrugged. "I got bored being a minor character in a _romance drama_; especially a romance drama set in a high school. So tedious. This is much more interesting, don't you agree?"

"I-It wasn't just a romance drama!" Beatrice argued. "It was much, much more than that- and don't you DARE insult tales of romance! I-I happen to like them and I'm not ashamed to admit it!"

Bernkastel cackled. "Well, that's good~ I'm pleased you like dramas. It's not much of a drama unless the love interests are CRUELLY SEPARATED and one of the characters DIES, is it? GYAHAHAHA-"

"STOP right there!"

And was halted in her tracks by none other than…

"Ange?"

* * *

><p>Will Virgilia learn what Skype is?<br>Will Beatrice save Battler?  
>Will anybody be inspired to write creepy ErikaBattler porn because of this?  
>Will Ange save the day?<p>

Find out in the next chapter of A Story From A Parallel Universe!


	7. Resolution

**A Story From A Parallel Universe  
><strong>Chapter Seven  
>'Resolution'<p>

* * *

><p>Battler stared at his sister in surprise, the dead look fading from his empty eyes. Ange was standing dramatically in the doorway of the chapel, hair blowing behind her. The awesome background music had been kicked up a notch, as she held her pistol- newly loaded with a single bullet from Zepar and Furfur- in her hands.<p>

"Hello, big brother," said Ange casually. "I've been looking for you."

And with that cool introduction, Ange elegantly jumped out of the way of Bernkastel's scythe. She ducked and twisted, moving just like a professional ballerina (not that many ballerinas had to put up with the indignity of a little cat-witch trying to tear out their insides), before-

Crunch!

-she punched the Witch of Miracles straight in the jaw.

To reiterate.

Ushiromiya Ange punched Bernkastel in the jaw.

And it was friggin' awesome.

Bernkastel was thrown backwards off her feet, scythe falling from her hands, and she collided against the wall of the chapel with a thunk. Some plaster became dislodged from the ceiling, raining down on her head; falling about her ragdoll body like snowflakes.

"Bern!"

"Master!"

Lambdadelta knelt down by Bernkastel's side, shaking her shoulders gently, pressing her head against her chest.

"Y-you killed Bern! You killed my precious Bern! Now who's going to cover themselves in honey, put on cat ears and go 'nipaaah' for me at night? WHO? Y-you killed my precious Bern; you killed her, you-"

"I'm not dead," said Bernkastel irritably, pushing Lambda away from her with the palm of her hand.

Slowly, staggeringly, Bernkastel got to her feet, pulling bits of the dislodged ceiling from her hair. Her nose was bleeding, but she didn't seem to notice. Glaring, glacial eyes now blazing with fury, she glared at Ushiromiya Ange with undisguised hatred.

"Ohh? So you want to challenge me, do you, little girl? I usually have more fun with my food before I eat it, but you're really pissing off!"

"U-um, Master…" said Erika quietly, "you appear to have forgotten your cool face…?"

"Shut up, get out- get lost! Aaaargh! Everything makes me so mad!"

Bernkastel raised her hand in the air, recalling her scythe into her hands. It glowed a menacing black; infused with the power of the truth and, in turn, the power to cleave Ange's head from her shoulders. With one swing, it could turn the upstart young girl into mystery meat.

"I'll cut you apart with my red truth and turn you into an Angeburger!"

Ange didn't even flinch. If anything, a rare smile graced her otherwise emotionless face.

"That joke is really getting old. I'm tired of it now."

"Gyaaaaaah!"

Bernkastel let out an ear-piecing shriek, holding her scythe aloft. When she opened her mouth, red truth fell like dripping blood from her lips, circling Ange in a vortex.

"This story is a high school romance! Ushiromiya Ange in her current form has no right to-"

But Bernkastel's flurry of cold, harsh, unforgiving red truth was broken; words shattering in her throat like glass as. With a sharp screech, her own attack was deflected effortlessly back towards her own body.

There was a cry of pain…

A splash of blood hitting the floor…

A blinding explosion of red truth shook the chapel and dislodged yet more plaster from the roof (they really needed to get that fixed). It shattered all the windows and throwing Battler, Erika, Beatrice, Lambdadelta, Ronove, Gaap and Virgilia to their feet.

When the dust finally cleared, a figure could be seen in the middle of the ruined chapel.

It was Bernkastel.

Her body was impaled with a stake of red truth. It was wedged through her in such a manner that she couldn't move; couldn't talk; couldn't even whimper.

Ange was unscathed, the only one left standing.

"H-how…" Lambdadelta's eyes widened. "H-how could you do that to Bern? How is that possible? This was a normal high school story. Ushiromiya Ange is not permitted to exist in it as a wi-"

Again, another small explosion filled the chapel, sending so much debris dropping to the floor. Ronove had to pull the collapsed form of Beatrice behind himself, Virgilia and Gaap so he could shield them from what otherwise would have been a very painful death. Battler had somehow found safety crouching in a corner muttering it's 'all useless', whilst Erika had shielded herself behind the staked and thoroughly pathetic body of her master.

When the smoke cleared, it became clear Lambdadelta, too, had met the same grisly fate as Bernkastel.

"A-ange!" Battler cried, turning to face his sister. "H-how did you…?"

"It's simple," said Ange coolly. "Bernkastel and Lambdadelta abandoned their predestined schoolgirl roles in this universe fairly quickly- and, after seeing the other pieces do the same, they assumed I had also allowed myself to become a witch. But I hadn't. I never relied on magic in this tale at all." She smirked, planting her fingers against her chest proudly. "Your little sister is still one hundred percent adorable schoolgirl."

"T-the most deadly character type!" said Gaap in awe.

Ange nodded. "I can't be harmed by any of their magic because I am not a witch. I am not bound by the rules of a fantasy game board. Their red truth was completely ineffective. And I did it all to protect you, big brother. I-I… I missed you…"

"A-ange…!"

Ange smiled, a wind suddenly stirring up from nowhere to catch in her hair. It fluttered dramatically in the light breeze. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Battler, likewise, found he was crying.

Slow, moving piano music began to play as the brother and sister- long separated- ran to each other in the dramatic finale of this story.

Battler staggered forwards on weak legs to meet his sister. He stumbled over a pew that had been thrown across the room and fell- but never did he hit the floor, for a soft cloth spun of golden butterflies appeared from underneath him to break his fall.

"Beatrice…?"

Beatrice, her face stained with dirt, cuts over her cheeks leaking blood, smiled as sweetly as she could, blue eyes radiating with honesty.

"I-it was the least I could do… Ehehe…~"

Battler was suddenly, horribly aware that Beatrice, the once proud schoolgirl/witch, was lying on the ground. Despite Ronove's protective barrier, it seemed some parts of the crumbling building had still managed to strike her. Her skin was pale and ghostly. Her whole body trembled.

"B-beato! N-no, Beato!"

Quite forgetting his soulful reunion with Ange, Battler's tears now fell for the pushy, obnoxious, arrogant, yet self-sacrificing and strangely adorable magical witch girl.

She had made his life hell, and yet… his life would be hell without her in it.

Battler took the witch in his arms, holding her head against his chest. His arms encircled her frail body, trying to protect her; to keep her safe. She had fought for him, and now…

Now…

"Beato… N-no, Beato… Hang in there!" Battler pleaded desperately, taking hold of her hand. "Beato… I-I… I really like you..."

Beatrice's eyes widened.

Then… a small smile spread across her lips.

"I-it took you long enough to admit it, i-i-idiot… I-I had to try s-so hard… t-to get you to notice… a-and when you do… I'm almost… almost…"

The music in the background swelled to greater, more depressing heights, as Beatrice's face slowly grew paler; the twitching in her fingers slightly less erratic.

Was she still breathing…?

"B-beatrice… B-beato, I… I… A-ange?"

Battler looked up as a shadow fell over him. Ange had a ghastly expression on her face. Her eyes were narrowed, pupils nothing more than slits, and Battler realized she was holding her pistol in white-knuckled fingers.

"Ange? What are you doing?"

"I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago," Ange said quietly. "In fact, it's something I've been meaning to do since the start of this stupid story."

Realization dawned across Battler's face.

"A-ange, no!"

"Yes, big brother!" Ange shouted, tears streaking down her cheeks. "All the time, every second of every day, it's always her, her, her! You used to play with me all the time, but now it's like I don't even exist! Do you know how that makes me feel, big brother? Do you?"

"A-ange, I'm sorry! I just-"

"WHY? Why do you care about HER and not me? You see, big brother- I have to do this! I have to!"

"Why do I care? Why do I…?"

Battler paused.

The mysterious wind from who knew where picked up his tie and made it flutter through the air.

Then, getting to his feet, Battler stabbed a finger in Ange's face and shouted, "Because I love her!"

Ange gasped. She staggered backwards as though she had been stabbed. Her mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out.

"I'm sorry Ange," Battler continued, his hands now clenching into fists. "I love her. It took me all this time to realize it- but I adore that woman! Even though she makes my life hell every second of the day, I wouldn't want to be without her! I had so much fun arguing pointlessly with her about anything, everything- aaaaah, I-I hardly even understand it, but I always loved being with her, even if I hated it at the same time! That's how I feel! And I'm sorry, Ange, but even you, my cute and precious sister, can't tear us apart!"

"B-big brother… I-I… I…" Ange's words fell from her mouth in a broken, timorous mess. "I-I… W-well, if that's how you feel then I… I…"

There was a long pause.

And, slowly, but surely… Ange's lips quirked upwards… … into a very small smile- delicate as the petals of a flower.

"Hehe… … G-good. I'm glad you finally realized what I knew all along… You idiot."

And with that, Ange turned around and-

Bang!

-hit the bedraggled, wedding dress-clad form of Furudo Erika perfectly between the eyes with her single bullet.

Unbeknownst to the grieving Battler, Erika had been slowly recovering from her dazed disorientation- but Ange had known.

Ange had seen.

And she had just saved her brother's life.

Beatrice was not the one that bullet had been intended for. Neither was Satoko, Asmodeus, Jessica or that random seacat she happened to kill when her pistol misfired.

Erika was.

Erika had tried to hurt her big brother.

But Beatrice…

When Battler was with Beatrice, he was happy.

"So… I-I guess, in the end… I-I'm happy, too."

"A-ange? Ange, w-what?"

Ange smiled brightly; a real, warm smile that lit up her usually stoic face like a Christmas tree.

"A-as I went on my journey, I slowly began to learn that I was protecting you from the wrong person. I realized how much you liked Beato… but of course, you'd be too stubborn to admit it yourself. So I had to put her in an extreme situation, just to make sure. And, now I know you love her… I knew it was Erika who was the real enemy. Now I know that you and Beato… will be fine. Hehe~"

She laughed a childish, carefree laugh. She hadn't laughed like that since she was a very young girl, who was easily excited by the prospect of almond-topped chocolate cake.

"_Have a nice dream_. You deserve it, big brother."

* * *

><p>"Do you have any- Fufur, Zepar, what's wrong?" asked Cornelia in concern.<p>

The two twins were swooning, practically falling on top of each other. Their faces were flushed light pink, and they looked as though they were drunk.

However, Cornelia's worries were quite unfounded. Zepar and Furfur were always like that.

"K-kyahh! I can sense something romantic going on!"

"My sweet, sappy, happy ending senses are tingling!"

"Aahhh, it's so adorable, so adorable!"

Cornelia watched in alarm as the twins slid off their chairs and fell to the floor, flailing about as though their limbs were made of jelly.

"U-um… a-are you okay? Do you want me to call the school nurse? Y-you're kind of scaring me…"

* * *

><p>Battler held Beatrice to his chest, his heart pounding, as he looked at her pursed rosebud lips. It was just like something from a Delsney movie; Sleeping Beauty or Snow White.<p>

O-of course, Battler only knew about those movies because he'd watched them with Ange when she was younger; it wasn't like he enjoyed them or anything- of course not! Ihihi…

"I just hope this works…"

"Of course it'll work," said Ange, hands on her hips. "After the healing tears of magic, love's first kiss is the most effective way to bring the dead back to life! Didn't you learn anything about real world romance from our Delsney and marshmallows and toenail painting sleepovers when we were younger, big brother?"

Battler's face turned red. "A-alright, alright, but you don't need to tell everyone. You're ruining the ambience."

"We're in a falling down chapel and red roses have mysterious begun to bloom around us. Also, the side characters have randomly disappeared for a few moments. I can even hear bird songs, big brother. Your first kiss isn't going to get any more ambient-ific if you tried."

"A-alright then… Alright…"

Trying to calm his breathing, Battler looked down at Beatrice's beautiful, china, porcelain face and her wide, oceanic blue eyes and her-

"And stop describing her in so much detail inside your head to stall."

"S-shut up! A-and how did you know what I was thinking anyway?"

"Because you had that stupid look on your face."

"I-I don't have a stupid look on my-"

"Get to the POINT already, big brother! I didn't arrive at the perfect time to gun down your rival so you could sit and COMPLAIN! You're holding everything up!"

"B-but I… I-"

"Come on already! I need to go and bury Erika's corpse somewhere so I don't get arrested for murder- so can we hurry it along, please?"

Battler wanted to retort, but he knew Ange was right. He was just stalling.

But… why was he so afraid…?

Probably because, if Beatrice awoke to find him kissing her, she wouldn't stop laughing at him for years afterwards.

The thought of spending years with Beatrice was appealing, though. Battler… liked that idea.

No…

He loved it.

"I love you."

And with that, Battler leant down…

…and gently pressed his lips against Beatrice's.

At once, Beatrice's eyes flickered open, her chest rising and falling, as her breath came back to her body once more with a violent shudder. A porcelain doll she was no longer; instead, she was the princess in the body of a witch who had been revived by Battler's lips against her own.

Battler drew away shyly, looking at Beatrice from underneath his eyelashes.

"B-beato… I'm so glad you're alright…"

Beatrice opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, apparently lost for words, which was a first. Battler couldn't help but snigger a little at that, and Moetrice pouted, her face turning light pink.

"I-I'm glad I'm alright, too; a-and it's no thanks to you, you idiot!"

"Aww~ You don't mean that really, do you, Bea~to?~" Battler asked lightly, prodding Beatrice on the nose.

Beatrice's face went through a series of very interesting emotions range through her entire sprite sheet before, finally… she settled on a small smirk; cheeks still dusted with pale pink.

"M-muu… You're a useless man… You can't even kiss properly. You're supposed to take my breath away, not give it back."

Battler's brows quirked. He grinned.

"Then show me how it's done properly, Golden Witch."

"With pleasure, in~com~pe~tant foooool~ Hehehe~"

And, with a light-hearted laugh, Beatrice tipped her head forwards and kissed Battler.

Meanwhile, in the background, our brave heroine Ushiromiya Angey-chan made a gagging noise as though she was going to be sick.

* * *

><p>What is this?<br>Is this the end?  
>What do you think?<br>Because this story hasn't been marked as complete yet, there's still a chance there will be more chapters! With the existence of that, this level of reasoning is possible for Furudo Erika. Well… What do you think, everyone? *giggle giggle*

Find out in the obligatory tea party of A Story From A Parallel Universe!


	8. Tea Party

**A Story From A Parallel Universe**

Tea Party

* * *

><p>"What the hell was <em><strong>that<strong>_?"

"Don't shout at me, Battler!" Beatrice snapped, eyes narrowed. "You always complain about how daaaaark and depressiiiiing my games were, so I thought I'd try to make a new one on a different game board, in a different _kakera_; a high school romance! You should be glad I went through all this effort just for you!"

"Yeah, but… that didn't work out too well, did it?"

The Golden Witch pouted.

"Muu… I _tried_ to incorporate all the pieces from the previous games in a nice, normal, witch-free environment- but they just didn't want to cooperate! My pieces wouldn't listen to me!"

"It's because you tried to put magical creatures into a mundane universe, you artless child," said Bernkastel, appearing in a burst of golden butterflies with a teacup in her hands.

"In other words," Lambdadelta chimed in, "the characters in our fun fun fun _fun_ games are _waaayyy _to weird to fit seamlessly into a normal universe! Oh ho ho ho!"

"Lady Lambdadelta speaks sense… even if her outfit doesn't~" said Gaap, sniggering.

"Hello. Pot to kettle, you're black," said Virgilia softly, sighing.

"You could never hope to bend us to suit a mundane setting, Riiche!~ We'll just tear that normal universe to shreds instead! Gyahahaha!"

"I must say, I admire how you tried to give everybody a role in your tale, though, Milady," said Ronove, bowing his head. "It was a most commendable effort, even if it did-"

"-fall apart like a month old flan," Beelzebub chipped in.

"Beelzebub, don't be so rude to Milady!"

"A-aaah, sorry, Luci…"

"I got shot in the head." Asmodeus pouted. "I didn't like that."

"I was shot in the head too," said Erika, hands on her hips. "That's no way to treat a Master Detective!"

"A Master Detective, _no_, but an annoying little kid? Hmmm… Maybe!~" said Mammon, laughing.

Erika's face turned dark red. "W-why you-"

"I-I just hope we were able to serve you well, Lady Beatrice!" said Chiester 45, saluting. "I-I-I did my best to remain in my high school student guise!"

"Being a normal girl is _boring_ though, nihihi~ I'd rather be awe~some fur~ni~ture with the ability to hit people from fifty feet with my golden arrows, nyeheheh!"

"Next time you try and tell a story in a parallel universe can you give me a love interest too, Milady?~" Asmodeus asked, her eyes wide and sparkling. "I want to have a much, much, much bigger role; maybe with Amakusa! You didn't have to kill him! That was really mean- waaaaah!"

"Well, technically Miss Ange killed him," Belphegor reminded her, gently.

"Yeah, my little sis turned into a complete _sociopath_, even before your 'nice and normal' _kakera_ got turned inside out," said Battler. "How did _that _happen?"

Beatrice pouted. "Well, all romantic dramas need a little _tension_! I thought Ange would be perfect for the job…"

"Although she ended up being quite the hero," said Zepar.

"Hehehe~ Such a cool and spicy girl!" Furfur agreed.

"And she would never-"

"-have gotten there-"

"-without our help!"

"Oh, really?" Beatrice asked, a wide smirk splitting across her face. "You know what?"

"What?" the demons of love chimed innocently.

"I think my perfect, peaceful _kakera_, designed as a wedding present for my new husband, only got **seriously **messed up when I introduced you two into it! You **ruined** Battler's wedding present! It's all _your_ fault!"

"U-uwaaaah! The Golden Witch is scary!"

"Seriously scary!"

"W-well, that's what happens to women who are in love!"

"What's her power level?"

"It's immesurable!"

"And that's because love, too-"

""Is endless! Gyahahaha!""

"E-eh?" Battler blinked in confusion. "You mean that weird universe… it was going to be a… _wedding present_?"

"U-um… Y-yes, of _course_," said Beatrice. She tried to sound arrogant, aloof, but it was obvious she had let something slip accidentally. Trying to mask her embarrassment with bravado, she said, "I wanted to leave you with a happier memory of my game board than all the deaths and multiple murders. I-I just wanted to make something cute… … Muuu. I-it's not my fault… the pieces are old, worn down, shabby, broken… … T-that's not my fault!"

"Ihihi, you're right~ That piece version of you was _insane_; waaay to traumatising to be _cute_."

"Huh? W-well, if you think I'm so _uncute_, then I'm **glad** the story went wrong! You don't deserve a present from me at all; being able to stand in my shadow should be enough for a lowly plebeian like you, USHIROMIYA BATTTLERRRR!"

"No, no, you misunderstand me, Beato," said Battler, laughing, as he took hold of Beatrice's hand.

Beatrice scowled. "I-I understood you perfectly well. Let go of me."

"No."

"G-get off me right now, _Battlerrrrrr_."

"What if I don't wanna, _Beatoriicheeeee?_ Listen." Battler grinned; watching as Beatrice's face turned pink. "I don't think that piece version of you was very cute. But, right now… I think_ you're_ very, **very **cute indeed."

"Hm? Y-you… aah… w-well of course I'm cute, but- aaah!"

Beatrice's face turned light pink, as Lambdadelta, Asmodeus and Gaap began to giggle together like naughty school children. Meanwhile, Erika was rolling her eyes, and Bernkastel was quietly sipping her cup of tea in the corner; her wine-colored eyes narrowed, judgemental.

"S-shut up, you idiot!" Beatrice suddenly shouted; rounding on Battler. "D-don't say embarrassing things like that in front of everyone, you fool!"

"Well, it's the truth- and I'm not ashamed who knows it! Beatrice… Thank you very much for trying to give me some fond memories- even if they all fell apart. It was a very kind gesture." Battler laughed. "And, I have to admit… I _did _enjoy the ending."

"H-hn? Really…? You're not making fun of me?"

"Of course not~ Ihihi~ Why should I care if everything you make ends up a huge mess? As long as you put your heart into it, that's all that matters."

"D-don't call my story a _mess_! You know how difficult it is to be Game Master yourself!"

And then, Beatrice finally seemed to register the softer part of Battler's words.

She looked at him in surprise.

"B-but you… still liked it?"

"Of course. Now… why don't we try to replicate the ending of your story right here?"

Bernkastel gagged and pulled a face.

"Oh, **spare me**. Maybe being crucified in that chapel was a better fate for me than this romantic _drivel_."

Lambdadelta giggled, and threw a piece of popcorn at Bern's head. It rebounded off her blue hair with a soft, inaubible _thd._

"Aww, don't be mean, Bern. You know how much I love a happy ending."

* * *

><p><strong>The End<br>**(Almost)


	9. Ura Tea Party

**A Story From A Parallel Universe**

Ura Tea Party

* * *

><p>"I guess it's not really that surprisin'. This was a story for the more interestin' characters, after all," said Hideyoshi, slurring his words slightly. He'd drunk a fair amount of alcohol, and still more of it was inside the glass in his hands; just waiting to be drunk, and further reduce his speech to a heavy mess of his fake Kansai accent. "Still, it's kinda a shame I didn't get any screen time at all- though I guess that's just the way it goes, wahahaha!"<p>

And with those melancholy words, he tipped his glass back, and drained it.

"D-dear, I don't think that's healthy," said Eva, as she rested a steadying hand on his shoulder. "And, anyway… hm, you're right. This really was a story for the younger children… ufufu~ We're well past the stage where we can look cool running around in ridiculous clothes fighting… a-and I left my high school years behind me a long time ago! Yes… I never want to repeat those… It's so boring, being surrounded by idiots, ufufu~ I'm definitely not a child anymore."

Eva-Beatrice, who was seated beside Eva in her school uniform, coughed pointedly.

Eva ignored her, and pushed her off her stool. Evatrice hit the floor with a small thud and a wail of, 'j-just give up and die!'

Nobody cared.

Not even you.

"Heh…" Hideyoshi smiled warmly. "Aaah, that's it… I guess yer right, Eva. I'm not really worried, wahahaha! A man like me knows when…" Hic. "When ta sit on the sidelines- an' cheer for the main characters… b-but still… I-I wish our George got a few more lines, too."

"Oh yes, that was a shame," said Eva. "I thought a nice, polite, lovely gentleman like our George would be popular with a young audience? Hmm… well, people just don't know what's good for them- like eating vegetables! That must be it!"

"Hahaha~ Don't worry, mom. Being in the background is something I've grown accustomed to as well," said George with a small smile. "For some reason, I'm not particularly popular- ah, but that doesn't matter. I think I'm too old to worry about a popularity contest now… and, ahaha… at least I have it slightly better than these guys. They weren't mentioned at all."

And with that, George motioned towards the other poor pieces in the 'lost property box', as it were, who hadn't been given a role to play in Beatrice's latest tale. Funnily enough, the 'lost property box' looked an awful lot like an old bar, and most of the characters who had found themselves inside it were all trying to drink away their sorrows- but that was neither here nor there.

A sea of sad, dejected faces looked up at George's words; all belonging to pieces who had been absent from the game boards for so long they'd started to grow dusty.

Captain Kawabata.

Professor Ootsuki.

Nanjo Masayuki.

Kumasawa Sabakichi.

If you remember who all these utterly useless, pointless, shabby pieces are, I'll give you a cookie.

"Aaah… It's a crying shame that a man like me, who's been on that witch's game board since the very start, didn't have a role to play in her last tale… I-I could have been really cool… … In my youth, I was… really handsome… …" Kawabata bemoaned; supporting his aged head in his hands, as he tried to stem the flow of his bitter tears. "And I remember the good old days, when people used to pay me some attention; when they used to theorize that _I _was the culprit of Rokkenjima who'd carried out the murders… Ha… Ahahaha… Oh, those _were_ the days!"

And, still trying to suppress his beautiful flow of hot, manly shounen tears of pain and anguish, the old sea captain, as Hideyoshi had before him, tried to drink away his sorrows.

Truly, these poor, lamenting pieces were all without purpose, just like pawns after they had been taken from a chess board- but these pawns had an ever sadder fate than that. They had never been put on the board at all. And they probably never would again.

It was because they were old.

They weren't attractive.

So, even though they were minor characters… they had their roles usurped by equally minor characters. That damn Cornelia; those bunny girls; the stakes… just because they were young and sexy, with revealing outfits, they got more screen time than all the others put together, even though they had the personalities of paper bags!

It wasn't fair!

Damn it, it wasn't fair!

"Oh ho ho~ Don't look so glum, son," said Kumasawa, smiling, as she tried to prize Sabakichi's glass of sake from him. "I'm used to be being pushed into the background myself- a decrepit old lady like me. I really am past the age of being a star in this kind of story… though in my youth, even I had a nice smile and a pair of bouncy breasts, ohohoho!~"

Sabakichi nearly choked on his sake- spitting it all down his shirt. His face contorting into a look of pain and agony, he shrieked, "M-mom… …! D-damn it, stop talking about your boobs!"

Kumasawa only chuckled- and Eva joined in with her.

"Hehe~ Even in a situation like this, you're still such a joker, Kumasawa. That really is admirable."

"Well, there's no sense being upset about something like this. Let the young enjoy the company of the young, ohohoho~"

"Aah… no, it's no use…" said Krauss miserably; curled up in the corner with his arms round his knees. "Useless, it's all useless! I-I at least wanted to have a scene where I perfected my moon tourism business! You can laugh, Kumasawa, but you weren't a great man like I was- a man with PROSPECTS!"

"No, you're right. I wasn't a man at all," said Kumasawa, laughing.

Krauss ignored her. "Uwaaaaaaaaah! I-I just wanted… to be mentioned, just once! I just wanted to be a success! What of my future now?"

"T-there, there, dear…" said Natsuhi, patting him on the head. "Please don't cry, you'll just set my headache off, a-and then-"

**SLAM.**

"Oh, _that's so sad. _How _terrible _for you. How _sad_ you must all be feeling for being _so left out_. Well. At least you actually APPEARED on the game board at least ONCE! You're all a bunch of babies- crying over something so pathetic! Fuck! Why don't you all just die?"

That loud voice, accompanied by the sound of a fist hitting the counter of the bar, rattled through the box of unwanted pieces like a gunshot. Everybody jumped, almost in perfect unison. Evatrice, who had only just picked herself up (Eva's punches packed quite a blow) tipped over her own feet again, and (somehow) fell head first into Genji. Nanjo, meanwhile, who'd fallen asleep, awoke with a start, shouting something like, 'I-I don't want the scorpions to eat me!'

The person who possessed that voice… truly had a cause to be sad.

They had a cause to be miserable.

And that was why they'd drunk so much.

There was nothing but raw hatred in that voice, mutating it into a bark that instantly put all who heard it in fear of their lives.

Slowly, tremulously… all eyes turned to the corner of the room.

There she was.

There she sat.

The queen of unwanted, unused, useless pieces- nursing a glass of sake in one hand, her eyes narrowed and filled with the direst of loathing and cruelty.

It was Chiester 556.

"Fuck," she said again. "I hate you all. I just wanted a role… … for once! Aaaah… ahahaha… W-well… A-at least I got a character song! That's more than YOU'LL ever get!" she stabbed a finger at Sabakichi, a demented smile on her face that would've rivalled some of Beatrice's. "Pfft… ahaha… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that, Chiester 556 slowly went insane.

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>an: **And that's it! That's the whole story! ^^'' I apologize that it took so long for me to finish it- especially when it was all finished right form the start ;_; uguu… … If I make any more multi chaptered stories, I'll have to work harder… But I hope you all enjoyed it and its immense silliness regardless! ^^'' Thank you for reading!

**~renahhchen xoxo**


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